Calling Home

(album: Shhh...Don't Tell - 2004)

I'm okay at basketball... baseball was more my thing...
Well, uh, I think they have a pickup game going on at 10 AM tomorrow morning in the main gym for us freshmen
You playin'?
It's a co-ed game, so it's a good chance to see some hungover chicks run up and down the court, watch their titties bounce, and hopefully have them back up into your morning dick wood while you D up...
That could be nice
You wanna head over to that frat party and start shotgunning some beers?
Just give me a few minutes, I gotta call my family, tell 'em I'm all situated here...
Good deal... I'll be in the bathroom whackin it

...That's because Mrs. Snidel had her eyebrows and babushka lasered off, hello?
Hey mom, I'm at school, I'm all moved in, everything's great...
Oh, wonderful... what side of the room did you take?
You mean left or right or... what do you mean?
What side of the room? Did you go window or electrical outlet?
There's, like, five outlets and the window's in the middle of me and my roommate...
Oh, so everyone wins, how nice... Does your roommate do ecstasy or snort heroine?
I didn't ask him, mom...
Well, if he does, tell him you're not interested... Not because you're a nerd, but say it gives you bad diareah
Okay, ma, sounds good...
Yeah!
I gotta get going, there's an orientation party that's mandatory for freshmen to attend...
Oh, you should bring cupcakes... When you hand them out to the other kids, you say 'hi, my name's Tyler, here's to a sweet first year at college!'
Uh... okay...
You won't, but you should
I will next time... say hi to everybody for me, mom...
You say hello! It'll take you two seconds! They're all at the dinner table dying to talk to you... Everyone, Tyler's on the phone!

Hey, hey, hey! Mr. College!
Who's on the phone?
Tyler, mom!
Let me talk to the superstar!
Okay, here's your brother!
Thanks, mumsy... Hey shitstains, how's it hangin'?

Not bad, Pete... It's pretty awesome here...
You getting laid yet?
Nah, just unpacked...
But I'm sure you found time to smoke a few dicks and lick a few asses, right?
No...
How's the dining hall? Full of tasty beaver?
Yeah, there were a lot of cute girls... and the food wasn't too bad, either...
They actually served chicken parmigian...
Why don't you slap some of that parmigian cheese on a big fat pair of college jugs and have them for dinner, you fucking dickwacker?
I'll work on that...
DER! Anyways, I talked to a couple of my landscaping buddies and we figured that we got a long weekend with you in early Rocktober, cause Ronnie James Dio is playing up there...
Oh, okay...
Tell your roommate I got his bed
Uh, you can sleep in my bed
That's where Fitz is sleeping, you fucking asshole!

Hey, I just wanna say hello! Give me the phone!
All right, dad! Sorry I didn't go to college like Alfred Einstein here, but I'm a person too!
Just give me the phone, moron... How you doing kiddo?
Good, dad...
You enjoyin your freedom?
Yeah...
Don't get anyone pregnant...
I won't...
Okay... here's your grandma
Dad, I don't have time!

Say hello, there...
Who is it? The ladies from the classical shop?
No grandma, it's the pharmacy
Oh, good! Hi, Dimitri, did the cream for my vaginal warts come in? Cause, like, we're talking about they're starting to spread towards the anus...
Hahahahaha!
Grandma, it's not Dimitri, it's Tyler...
Oh, hi, Bubbie... why aren't you here? We're getting ready to eat!
Grandma, we talked this morning, remember? I went away to school...
Oh, how marvelous! Well, don't study too much or you'll drive yourself bananas! Take some time for yourself too
Thanks, grandma, I will
College is supposed to be fun!
Yeah...
I had my first gal on gal experience in college!
Ooh...
Dee Snyder was her name... too much hair downstairs... not for me!
That's nice, grandma...
All right, don't pierce your nipples!
I won't...

You didn't know grandma dyked out before, did ya?
No, fortunately she never told me...
Have fun getting that image out of your head tonight when you beat your meat!
Thanks...
Uh oh, dude! Someone else wants to say hello! [Fart]
Hahahahaha! Did you hear that beef?
Yeah, nice job...
Four straight seconds! Let's hear you rip one that long!
I can't...
Damn right, you can't! 'Cause they don't teach that in one of your stupid books! You're either born with it or you're not!
Yeah, you got the magic...
[Doorbell]
Hold on a second, dildo, someone's at the door...
I can't hold on, I have to go!

Coming, just let me put the dog downstairs! Okay!
You gotta be kidding me...

(Hello, there...
Bernie! What brings you over here?
I'm just returning the power drill Walter lent me last week
That's not my drill, Bernie!
Well, I guess it's mine! May I eat now?
Oh, that's why you came over...
Yes...
Terrific, come join us... Pete, go get Bernie a folding chair from the closet!
Why can't grandma?
Just do it!
Thank you, Walter... Hello, Yeta, how's your health?
My labia lips itch, but other than that, I'm fine... knock on wood!
See, Yeta? The fake wood leg comes in handy!
True dat! Hahaha)

Hello? I have to go!

(Sit down, Mr. Fetterman... but don't crush that big hog of yours!
Pardon me?
I said Tyler's on the horn from college
Quickly, give me the phone! Why does this phone smell so bad?
I dunno... I didn't fart in it! But I think my grandma crapped herself...
Oh, okay...) Tyler, it's Mr. Fetterman!
Hey, Mr. Fetterman, how you doin'?
Do you have a roommate, Tyler?
Yeah, I do...
I must speak to him immediately
He's in the bathroom...
Go get him and bring him to me, now!
Okay... Hey Brandon!

Hold on a second! Come on, Oprah... Let me cum in your bellybutton! Ohmygod! Oh! love it... Yeah? What's up?
Could you do me a favor and talk to somebody for a minute?
Yeah, sure... Hello?
Hello to you, my friend!
Who dis?
The question isn't who I am, the question is who are you?
Um... What does that mean?
It means you can't escape the truth! What are your plans? To turn Tyler into a giant recording machine so you that you can take my thoughts to your leader?
Uh... Come again?
What is your real name? Where do you hail from?
Uh, Brandon Seikz, I'm from Oceanside, Long Island...
How dumb do you think I am? Your name is 4-7 and you are a robot made in a factory on the planet Yumnatz!
Really?
I know this because I too have radar!
I see...
We can make this easy or we can make this intensely difficult... The choice is yours...
Umm... I'll go with not difficult...
Fine... then pass this message along to your leader... I know about the pidgeons, so that's not gonna work anymore! I also have buried the blender in the backyard so better luck next time! I am not an amateur!
Did not say you were...
Let's call it a truce, or let's call it the end of mankind as we know it! Either
Way, fuck you! Are we clear, 4-7?
Oh, I get it... I'm on the radio!
Then the message has been sent!

Just give me the phone, Brandon...
Nice talking to y'all!
Die, alien!
Sorry bout that, dude...
Not a problem!
Don't worry, Mr. Fetterman, I got everything under control
I know you do, Tyler, and if he causes any trouble just pull his battery pack, that'll take him out of the game...
Good deal... Let me just say goodbye to my mother...
Right... and remember, no glove no love, all right?
Yeah, I'll remember that...
Nancy!

Hey, fuckface! Have fun telling ghost stories tonight with your new pussy friends!
I will...
Suck a hairy nipple! Here, mumsy!
Stop cursing!
I wasn't, mom!
Just go play with your cock and balls...
Right away, mom...

All right, baby, did you remember to bring your dandruff shampoo?
Yeah, I did, mom...
Take the label off if you're embarrassed for your roommate to see it...
I will...
Okay, go have fun at the mixer... call us when you get back to your room
Call ya? It's prob'ly gonna be late, ma!
That's no problem, we'll all wait up, bye bye!

Man, my family ain't easy to deal with sometimes...
Nobody's is!
What, your family's a little nutty also?
Oh yes... Ya know? I should actually give them a call, too, let 'em know I'm okay...
You got it, I'll be in the bathroom whackin it to my grandma eating out Dee Snyder...
Good deal...

Hello?
Hey dad!
Hello, son! Did you join a fraternity yet?
I'm working on it
Well, when you do, I'll come visit so I can fuck all your new brothers!
You're too horny, dad!
True dat!
Hahaha...
Good times...
Great times...