Red Hot Chili Cookoff

(album: Ain't Nothin' Funny Anymore - 2021)

I write to you for the last time from my death bed oh dear mother
My health is gone, I'm fading fast, and I fear I'll not recover
I've lost 100 pounds, my hair, my sight, and this illness had its nexus
The day I judged the Red-Hot Chili Cook-Off in Jalapeño, Texas

As you know in Tennessee, you fed us normal things
Yeah, like Tabasco seasoned barbecue and spicy chicken wings
But I've got a friend down here in Texas who's a Chili Cook-Off judge
And on the day of the state-wide Cook-Off he lay sick and couldn't budge

"I'm sicker than a dog" he said "you'll have to take my place
All you do is pick the chili you like after giving em all a taste"
So of course I did what I had to do to help out my old friend
But that decision ruined my life and brought me to this sorry end

Do not eat Texas chili Mama or you will surely die (You will surely die)
Don't even mention Texas chili to me, I will tell you why
Just the thought will fire up memories that'll wreck my solar plexus
Of the day I judged the Red-Hot Chili Cook-Off in Jalapeño, Texas

They led me to the judge's stand and sat me in my place
Put three bowls of chili in front of me just to sample, just to taste
Number 1 was Dragon's Breath and it had such a nice aroma
I took a big old bite and nearly slipped into a coma oh

Oh sweet Lord what is this stuff, my uvula's on fire
My ears are ringing and my nose is running and my feet are starting to perspire
Number 2 was called Flame Thrower and it was not misnamed
One taste my eyes, ears, nose and throat all shot out long blue flames

Help! Somebody call 911, I don't think I can breathe
I can't seem to catch my breath and all I can do is wheeze
Then I heard somebody screaming, screaming uncontrollably
I turned to see who it was and Lord have mercy, it was me

The winner was simply Charlie's Chili, sounded innocent enough
But it knocked me backwards off the stand with one taste of the stuff
I got up running looking for a doctor or an ice cold bottle of water
I downed a keg of beer and six snow cones and it only made me hotter, ah!

It's been a year now and I can only sip a smoothie now and then
If I try some solid food the flames flare up again
I've galled and burned and blistered from my mouth down to my colon
And what little skin that's left at all is inflamed and badly swollen

So I write to you, dear mother, just to say goodbye
And to warn you and the family of one thing before I die
Do not eat Texas chili, it'll put you in the ground
And even if you should survive you won't be able to sit down

Do not eat Texas chili Mama or you will surely die (You will surely die)
Don't even mention Texas chili to me, I will tell you why
Just the thought will fire up memories that'll wreck my solar plexus
Of the day I judged the Red-Hot Chili Cook-Off in Jalapeño, Texas