If This, Then I

(album: Songs From A Sketchbook, Pt. 2 - 2019)

Every day I wake up and go to war with the ghost of who I once was
So that who I am now reflects who I want to be
And if it's difficult, it's because for so long I chose not to fight
To do what came easily and naturally
But character and integrity are opposite of complacency
They're waiting on the other side of choosing to intentionally stop before I start and calculate every eventuality
And though it may sound as if this comes from deep inside of me
Like some sudden trip into a complex type of bravery
It's not, I admit it all goes back to humility
Humility, a word we often think means speaking politely
Quietly holding back the urge to claim victory
While hoping that the world will give credit back deservedly
But honestly, there has never been a single part of me
Actually pure or empty of indignity
It's only when I choose to consider true divinity
Then and only then do I see in my humanity something new
Something different, something that changes up the rhythm
That makes me aware of a never ceasing chasm
Between you, between me, between concept and concreteness
The complexity of each is enough to lead to madness
So I breathe, take a breath and wonder
Wonder at the fact I have the ability to wonder
Wonder at the beauty in the difference of an other
Wonder at the truth I find when I wander
From daylight to darkness through existence and nothingness
Through a twisting, never-ending free fall through my consciousness
And then what, I ask
Is there any worth in falling, drifting, pursuing, believing, or choosing
What is it exactly I'm supposed to do with this
Give up, lay down, rest and dismiss
No, I can't
For whatever reason
Whether spiritual or chemical or a combination of both
I choose to exist, I choose to persist
To get up, stay up, dream and pursue
To believe there is value here between me and you
In the dirt, in the sea, in the wind, in the trees
In love, in hope, in faith, in bravery
In whatever we want to call reality
I see something more
I choose something more
So every day I wake up and I go back to war