Fixer Upper

(album: Dark Days - 2021)

Hello there! I got a letter in the post
Addressed to the previous owner
I don't know how to pronounce their name
I don't think they were from round here, you know
Well, I just moved into the area, yeah
That big old thing over the road

It's a fixer upper though
It's a fixer upper, so

We're gonna put poundshop terracotta frogs everywhere
And wrap solar-powered fairy lights round the gutter
I got a prosecco o'clock poster half price in Ikea
It goes nicely with the existential fear that I feel
When I accidentally wonder
What I'm really doing here and how long I've got left before I'm six feet under
I can't believe I'm a two homeowner
(Finally!)
Can't believe I'm a two homeowner
I've finally got a nice little drive to call my own
I got off-street parking for the Rover
It's a fixer upper though, yeah
No, not the rover, the Rover's golden
I'm talking about that big old thing over the road
Yeah, that big old thing over the road!
We're gonna knock through the kitchen wall though
Even though it is a lovely bit of Tudor
But we're gonna absolutely ruin it
All alright? We can't stand old shite!

It's a fixer upper!
It's a fixer upper!
It's a fixer upper!
It's a fixer upper!

Anyway, this letter, I'll just post it back 'return to sender'
Unless you know him, I think...
I think he's called Mr. J Konopinski...?
Oh no wait, that's not an M that's a D
Dr J. Konopinski, do you know him?
Sounds a bit Russian to me... Oh! Polish, I see
And he had a PhD, did he? What in?
Probably one of them pointless media degrees, not for me
University of life, you see, I got thick skin
School of hard knocks, gonna knock through that wall on Tuesday
Just in case you or the wife were gonna be in

It's a fixer upper!
It's a fixer upper!
It's a fixer upper!
It's a fixer upper!

Alright, mate, sorry about the commotion yesterday
The bloody builders are refusing to finish the job until I pay 'em
But I told 'em, no one pulls a fast one on Graham
I'm Graham, by the way, don't know if I mentioned
I told 'em, I'm not made of money, you're having a laugh
Two homes and a Rover, comes from hard graft
I'm not minted, I earned it
It's not some funny voodoo business
I didn't walk on gilded splinters to make the dent I did in under a year
I earnt it, in case you're wondering
And as for the builders...
Yeah, they're Polish
I'm not bothered about that, like
But where you come from, it says a lot about a man
And I'm not from round here, but I am
Also they won't take cash in hand
What's with that?
Maybe they wouldn't need the money so bloody fast
If they weren't willingly giving it all to the tax man
You take what you can get where I'm from
And I'm not from 'round here, but I am
I'm Graham, by the way
(Hey Graham)
(I'm Graham)
I'm Graham