Poems

(album: What. - 2013)

I believe there is nothing more manly one can do than take a shower with 5 other guys, It's true.
It's not a joke its early cavemen, you know.
Cromagnum wandering through the fog, scrubbing 5 other sapians, no homo

I wanna do a poem for you, some poems for you
I've got chimes
[Chime plays]
Oh, a genie just came

Now that we're halfway through the show I'd like to take the pressure off you, the audience, and just read some serious poetry, then we'll go back to the giggles. This is from my book, "Egghead", that some of you may already have

Just sit back and enjoy this poetry

"Roses are grey
Violets are a different shade of grey
Let's go chase cars."
That's a poem by a dog
[Chimes play]

This is a poem about beauty
About self-image
And about the ability to transform
"Martha was ugly like a shaved baboon
So she wrapped herself up in a curtain cocoon
And after a week, she finally emerged
She smelled like shit. What a psycho."
[Chimes play]
You can't transcend them, I guess that's the moral

"Me, with my strange choice of adjectives
You, with your muscular teeth
And your clockwise vagina."
[Chimes play]

"You're incomparable, like a..."
[Chimes play]

"I put a chameleon on a dildo..."
No
"He blushed."
There we go
[Chimes play]

"I wanna beat you to death with a blunt object!
I wanna grab one of those high-end fashion mannequins by the ankles and bash your rib cage in!
I wanna sharpen 50 pencils, bind them with a rubber band, stick the lead ends in your mouth and punch the erasers!
I wanna strap you to a bed of nails, then strap that bed of nails to the hood of my car so I can watch you suffer as we drive over the speed bumps in a mall parking lot during an earthquake!
I want you to somehow survive a terrible car crash and somehow not survive a small fender-bender on the way back from the hospital."
[Chimes play]
Thank you, that's called "Dad"

"If I had a million dollars, I'd pay your mother to have sex with me
Afterwards, I'd invest in the remaining $999,990"
[Chimes play]
$10 for sex with your mother!
Comedy!
I smell comedy
Well, it was comedy giving off that scent

[Sees audience member with their phone out]
I can see the light on your face, bitch! Stop texting!

This is a poem, it's a story that's meant primarily for children, but I think it's got a lesson we could all learn
"The squares lived happily in their square houses with their square yards in their square town
But, then one day a family of circles moved in from the West!
'Get outta here, roundy!' shouted one of the squares
'Why?' asked one of the circles
'Cause this is a metaphor for racism!'"
[Chimes play]

"When I walk into a party, you'd think I was one of those long, straight Tetris pieces, cause everyone's like, 'Oh yeah, this guy's here. Finally, we've been waiting for him to show up."
[Chimes play]
[Audience doesn't respond]
Like you wait in the game forget it, I mean...
[Audience laughs]
No! You had your chance

And finally
"Mid-October with leaves spilled like pencil shavings
The streets dicing our town into neat unfair portions
And me
Eating that pussy, baby!"
[Chimes play]

Thank you guys so much, thank you for being a part of this, coming to the show
[Audience member cheers]
I just need one person's enthusiasm, that's all I need to carry it
"Oh, ow! I'm turned on and hurt!"