How Do You Even Manage To Exist

(album: Quaker City Quiet Pills - 2023)

This is not rocket science, It's not even bottle rocket science
When you order food, you get in line, you look at the menu, you decide what you want
When the person behind the counter says "Next! ", you step up and you give your order
You do not hold up in the entire line by staring off into space for 10 minutes and then saying:
"Oh! It all looks so delightful! How could I possibly ever make up my mind?"
White or wheat bread should not be a life-changing decision, it should not take you an hour to figure that out
And you know what else you don't do? You don't order shit that ain't on the menu!
You don't say "Hey, maybe I'll have some rice back there, some ham, some watercress, you could mix that up for me!"
Restaurants don't work that way. And by the way, in the real world, I get a lunch hour, not lunch hours.

I hope you choke on your food while you fall down the stairs
I hope you finish your meal and find short curly hairs

And while I am pleased that you stand in solidarity with our brothers and sisters in the developing world by asking whether or not this restaurant serves fair-trade products
I regret to inform you that you have no idea what the fuck you are talking about
East Anglia is not in Africa. I know. I've been there.
And while Ipswich may be a few years behind the rest of the world, I can guarantee ya, pretty boy, that nobody there is dropping dead in the street from starvation
Boredom maybe, but not starvation

I hope a pack of wild animals rips you apart
May they feast upon your liver and devour your heart

Oh! And you felt the need to tell the waiter that you hope the kimchi here is just as delightful as the kimchi you had when you visited the Hunan province. Isn't that interesting?
Well, listen here, buddy boy! I don't know jack shit about kimchi or the Hunan province, but I do know this:
You were clearly born with a silver spoon in your mouth, not unlike the spoon that you sent back because it had water spots on it
Let me tell you what's happening to that spoon. Right now, the boys in the back are taking turns sticking that spoon up their butts
And they're going to bring it to you, and then you're gonna eat your meal with it. Yes, you're gonna eat your meal with a butt-spoon.
And while you're eating with a buttspoon, you're gonna say "Oh! This tastes exactly like the meal I had in the Hunan province!"
And that's because everyone in the Hunan province was taking turns sticking the spoons up their butts and giving you to eat with
You ate every meal with The Great Butt-Spoon of the Hunan Province!

I hope you die in a fire in the middle of a lake
I hope you dress like Saint Patrick and are bitten by a snake
I hope you die in a cave from the effects of sunstroke
I hope you get busted in Bangkok for smuggling coke