Alexander the Great vs Ivan the Terrible

(album: Season 5 - 2016)

[Intro:]
Epic rap battles of history!
Alexander the Great!
Versus!
Ivan the Terrible!
Begin!

[Ivan the Terrible:]
Look alive, crème de la Kremlin's arriving
Try to serve Ivan? No surviving
You're a land rover, I'm a land expander
Here to hand you your first loss, Alexander
I'll school you like Aristotle
Smack you harder than you hit that bottle
You're nothing but an overrated lush, I'll crush ya
I'm the first Tsar of all of Russia
You're an asshole with an anastole
I'm heaven sent, divine and holy
So don't even try to approach the God
Or you'll get a huge sack like Novgorod

[Alexander the Great:]
Hey fella, swell diss
But now you got the Panhellenist from Pella hella pissed
Stepping up's foolish as well as useless
Little Vasilyevich, let me spell out the list
I brought foes to their knees in Phoenicia
Breezed through Gaza to Giza
Had the Balkans, Persia, Syria, Iraq and Pakistan
In my expansion pack
While you died in the middle of a game of chess
You got vodka bars, flavorless
And what I'm 'bout to spit will be the craziest
So go fix me a drink so I can stay refreshed
Kudos! Greek for the glory I got
From winning every single war that I fought
So this will be straightforward, I'll take up this sword that I brought
And slice you in half like the Gordian knot
And I'll soar to the top like the eagle whose feather I would sport in the helmet that I wore
As I swatted my many enemies, shattered 'em like a porcelain pot
And they'd be praying for the torture to stop
But I would leave 'em contorted and they'd be screaming and roaring
Until their vocal chords were torn up and shot
And I would holler Bucephalus!
Hop on my horsey and trot
I win Ivan, I vanquish
I'm an immortal, you're not

[Ivan the Terrible:]
Enough! I don't stand a chance against your skills
На здороьe A drink to your victory!

[Alexander the Great:]
Yes, I will!
It seems no one can defeat me
I weep, it's all so easy... ooh

[Ivan the Terrible:]
What's wrong?

[Alexander the Great:]
I feel a bit... queasy

[Ivan the Terrible:]
Ha! You've been poisoned!

[Alexander the Great:]
Oh, the pain is unbearable!
My stomach's riddled with holes!

[Ivan the Terrible:]
Ugh, I'm terrible
There's no great who could defeat this Russian

[Frederick the Great:]
Psst, what about a flute busting Prussian?

[Crowd:]
Old Fritz!
Old Fritz!
Old Fritz!
Old Fritz!
Old Fritz!
Old Fritz!
Old Fritz!
Old Fritz!

[Frederick the Great:]
I'm Frederick the Great, out the gate first servant of state
Oblique attack tactics ain't exactly straight
I've got creative talents and battle malice
Hard as steel on the field, genteel in the palace
Russia's fucked up, but no wonder why
With your tundras and taigas and bears, oh my!
I would pay a guy to tear out my eyes
If I had to look at your troll face every night
Now bring me my chair
I'm weary from tearing you a new derrière from here to Red Square
Fought a Seven Years' War, I ain't scared of a Tsar
'Cause beating you only took me twelve bars

[Ivan the Terrible:]
Ohhh, what a humiliating defeat!
I know when I am beat, so of course, take a seat

[Frederick the Great:]
I'd keep ripping you to shreds, but I'll take a break instead
And just rest my little head

[Ivan the Terrible:]
Why don't you drop dead, Fred?
Hmm, my expectations were a lot higher
But at least I saved the rubles on the garrote wire
It's another great day and another great victory
'Cause no great can beat me

[Pompey the Great:]
What about me?
Pompey! Yeah!

[Catherine the Great:]
Macedonians, Prussians and Romans
Those aren't worthy opponents
It takes a Russian to take down a Russian
I'm Cath, I'm a cat, you're a rodent
How are you the head of our state
When the state of your head was such a crazy one?
Such sick shit going through your brain
That you stuck a spike through your own son (Oooh)
You're unbalanced like I unbalanced the European powers with the wars I waged
I brought the Russian empire straight out of the olden days and right into the golden age
I'm the boss bitch that you just can't meddle with
This whole battle's like Alaska cause I settled it

[Ivan the Terrible:]
Hmmm, what a beautiful Queen to beat me in a battle
Accept this gift, Your Highness
I hear you enjoy the saddle

[Catherine the Great:]
That horse story is a pile of shit
Though I do keep 'em chomping at the bit
But you're never gonna get it, nyet
Couldn't spin in my chamber if this were Russian roulette
I'm picking up where Peter the Great left off
Bringing sexy back to House Romanov
So don't call me Queen, I'm far more great
Empress to Tsar 8, bitch
Checkmate

[Outro:]
Who won?
Who's next?
You decide!
Epic!
Rap battles of history!