Hotplates, Four Digit Numbers, & The Little Fridge

(album: The Bathroom Wall - 2002)

[Scratches in]

Go back to your dorm... you got your roommates and that never works out.

[Crowd laughs]

That never works out. They don't want it to work out... they... they want it so
it's like a Real World episode in your dorm room. [Crowd Laughs] Like I don't
understand... like they have those compatibility tests you filled out at the
beginning of the year... that's such a joke that test you fill out of the
beginning of the year... it's like

[in character voice: student]
Umm I like rock and roll... I like staying out
late... and I love the ladies oh yea OOOO!

[Crowd Laughs]

[As adult]
Okay we've got a perfect roommate for you he's an opera major, he's
a narcoleptic and he's gay so go fight each other... we've got four camera angles
... that'll be perfect welcome to college... go screw your self

[as student]
HUH yeah that's what we say here go ahead.

[Jimmy Normally]
Then you think you say okay I got Pete my buddy from high
school is coming up he's gonna be my room mate it's gonna be awesome...No that is
never awesome it doesn't work out... No it doesn't [Laughter] hate to tell you...
you will fight each other... you will just get... you just get ... I tell you why one
is they have too much dirt on you... your friend from home has too much dirt
they'll kill you they'll crush you in an argument for no reason like you just say

"Hey man the dishes have been in the sink for two weeks man they're your dishes
are you going to clean them or what?"

[Roommates voice] "Yea... you remember when you had crabs in sixth grade

[Crowd Laughs]
[LONG PAUSE]

"Not fair to bring up my crabs."