I'm Growing A Beard Downstairs For Christmas

When I was a girl
Just a little girl
I couldn't wait 'til I became a woman
And I could grow a thatch of curls
A deep dark forest to keep me warm in this cold world
And days became weeks
Weeks became months
Months turned to years
And it was like magic
It grew and grew
The greatest bush
That the kingdom ever knew

But at the turn of the millennium
A fever gripped the land
It was decreed that all the women
Look like little girls again

But now I'm growing a beard downstairs for Christmas
Growing a downstairs beard for you
I'm growing a beard downstairs for Christmas
Growing it big, growing it thick, growing it for you

Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas baby
I'm growing it strong and true
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas baby

When I was a boy
Just a little boy
I was embarrassed by my body's changes
But then one day at the local pool
I saw a life guard with hair growing out of his anus
I was so impressed
It looked like Tom Selleck's chest
He was so proud as he towelled it down
I couldn't wait to cultivate
My very own hairy bum gown

But at the turn of the millennium
Spandex gripped the land
Every back sack and crack was attacked with wax
Now I'm growing it back
A gift for you to unwrap

Now I'm growing a beard downstairs for Christmas
Growing a downstairs beard for you
I'm growing a beard downstairs for Christmas
Growing it big, growing it thick, growing it for you

Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas baby
I'm growing it strong and true
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas baby

We'll keep each other warm at night
With our jingle bell hairy stalactites
We'll watch each other grow and grow
I'll stick to you
I'll stick to you
Like velcro

Now I'm growing a beard downstairs for Christmas
Growing a downstairs beard for you
I'm growing a beard downstairs for Christmas
Growing it big, growing it thick

Now I'm growing a beard downstairs for Christmas
Growing a downstairs beard for you
I'm growing a beard downstairs for Christmas
Growing it big, growing it thick, growing it for you

Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas baby
I'm growing it strong and true
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas baby