Maybe I Should

(album: Searching Sylvan - 2014)

Should I even hold on?
Should I even hold on?

Early morning, this ceiling's is too familiar
Smell the stench on my clothing
Messages from my love, and my stomach's touching my back
Wake up knowing I'm fucking broke, I can't even fix me a sandwich
But you can cut these records and dream a vision that trumps everything you seen through your eyes
My mother's waiting, my brother is feeling tired
A grown man, as I suffered through family ties
Sit at home alone where everyone's working tryna survive
Fuck, you can see it in the way I'm fronting
I clean the house everyday to feel like I'm doing something
Plus I contribute nothing
These bills pile, see my mother fake her smile
Hoping all this music shit I'm doing now is worthwhile
I pray she's not embarrassed
Her compassion's what I come to cherish
Man, I know I'm after something more
But these times make me question what's in store

Should I even hold on?
Should I even hold on?
The worlds telling me there's nothing here to see
Got me wondering if I should go on
Man, now should I even hold on?
Should I even hold on?
It's road block after road block
Tell me how exactly am I supposed to go on

I stop myself so I don't get excited
These are usually the moments when you'll face a tyrant
Hopes up, hopes up, watch 'em fall
You wonder why you should even believe at all
I'm caught between who I am
Caught between who I think I should be to this fickle land
Caught between who I want me to be
What my family wants me to see
What the fans and industry's needs
I hate to think about it, but what if like
What if like I don't master my full potential
And I become less than my supposed credentials
A slave to "could've been"
Stuck in my oldest residential like
"I woulda did it, but, shit just wasn't efficient,"
I'm always thinking excessive
You feel the hunger
I'm desperate more than ever, the tone's becoming aggressive
My lord, it's not a question though I'm after something more
But these times make me wonder what's in store

Should I even hold on?
Should I even hold on?
The worlds telling me there's nothing here to see
Got me wondering if I should go on
Man, now should I even hold on?
Should I even hold on?
It's road block after road block
Tell me how exactly am I supposed to go on

I used to work as a janitor cleaning toilets
Took the bus like every morning to this office space
Sad to see the faces on these workers
One came to me looking nervous
Told me no matter what, "Always try to search for your purpose
Or you might just, end up like me
I'm 45 and drive a Bentley
Decent wife, but I hate the life that I chose"
Damn, made me stop and think to myself
All the shit you come to accomplish has made you a living hell
I guess it ain't what it seem
A part of me should appreciate that I'm chasing a dream
But I'm a realist, and a part of me would rather be stable
Normal shit, guess for me that wasn't placed on the table
Past decisions, everything was made to be instant
"I need it now, I need it now"
Nobody told me settle down and just focus your efforts
Mother and I were at odds, father was hot headed
Shit to him was Wizard of Oz
My ex was holding me back
Was too concerned with being married, I carried a sense of guilt to any damage even buried
I forced, myself to grow up
Take on responsibilities that were out of my league
Boxed in, I couldn't breathe
"Write raps, whatever G, you see this shit that I'm going through?"
To, stressing and tired, meanwhile I'm losing it all
Apartment, the job, the car
Materialism, what kept me in prison
I guess I wasn't honestly living admit it
Back at my mama's like I never left
I'm crying tears tryna catch my breath
I been here too many times
I can't take it, I can't take it, first time I contemplated death
Peace to the dearly departed
You know it's real when you find yourself back when you started
My Lord
You knew that there was so much more in store
I guess it would be crazy to ignore
Maybe I should hold on

[QuESt & Mom:]
[*Knock*]
Come in
I'm going to work
Make sure to take out the Pork Chops later today
Also clean up this house, it's filthy in here
And make sure you look for a job too if you get a chance
I'll be back around 5