The Man Who Couldn't Cry

(album: Attempted Mustache - 1973)

There once was a man who just couldn't cry
He hadn't cried for years and for years
Napalmed babies and the movie 'Love Story'
For instance could not produce tears
As a child he had cried as all children will
But at some point the tear ducts ran dry
He grew to be a man and the feces hit the fan
Things got bad but he couldn't cry

His dog got run over, his wife up and left him
After that he got sacked from his job
Lost an arm in the war, was laughed at by a whore
But still not a sniffle and sob
Well his novel was refused & his movie was banned
And his biog Broadway show was a flop
He was sent off to jail, you guessed it, no bail
But still not a dribble or drop

In jail he was beaten, bullied & buggered
And made to make license plates
Water & bread was all he was fed
But not once did a tear stain his face
Doctors were called in, scientists too
Theologians were last and practically least
They all agreed sure enough
He was no cream puff
But in fact an insensitive beast

He was removed from jail and placed in a place
For the insensitive and the insane
He played lots of chess and he made lots of friends
And he wept every time it would train
Once it rained 40 days and it rained 40 nights
And he cried and he cried and he cried and he cried
On the 41st day he just passed away
He just dehydrated and died

He went up to heaven located his dog
Not only that but he rejoined his arm
Down below all the critics, they took it all back
Cancer robbed the whore of her charm
His ex-wife died of stretch marks, his ex-employer went broke
The theologians were finally found out
Right down to the ground, the prison burned down
The earth suffered perpetual drought