I'm Thinking About Horses

(album: Tear Drops And Balloons - 2018)

I'm thinking about horses

I'm thinking about God
Is it a he or a she or a feeling or love?
Does she personally ordain every occurrence in every moment or did she set the universe in motion and then move on? To try and top her achievement
Maybe this universe wasn't an achievement at all
Maybe our lives, our wars, our fuck-ups, our diseases, our love, our humanity, our passion, our pennies, our holocaust are all just a rehearsal before the show
A sketch before the mural, a stretch before the jump
Does she love me? Does God know I'm here?
I'm thinking about God

I'm thinking about sex
I've been holy all day and acted in ways that deserve adjectives like honorable, good and straight
But it's after 10 PM now and I'm bored
I watched a movie on the Internet alone and now it's over
I pick up my phone and text every female I know within a 15-mile radius
It's a terrible thing that deserves adjectives like chauvinistic, objectifying, asshole-ish
I made that up just for myself
"Hey Nicole"
"Oh hey, what's up Mike? I'm about to get in bed, you?"
'I'm chilling, I just been thinking about you... winky face"
"Ha-ha really random, I haven't seen you in so long. What made you think about me?"
"Well, to be honest, I was watching a movie on the Internet and it's over now. I'm bored and I'm thinking about sex"

I'm thinking about horses
They're so goddamn regal
Their muscles ripple through their skin like waves in a little ocean
Magnificent beasts
But why the fuck do they listen to us?
They're so much bigger
They're so much stronger than they know but they trade freedom for a dependable meal
They let people get on top of them and tell them where to go
But how can I judge?
Is that not exactly what I do?
Is that not exactly what we all do?
I'm thinking about horses

I'm thinking about dad
He's 70 and he's just starting to get old
Things are gonna change soon
I don't feel ready for the change that's coming soon
I am standing on the beach, watching the tsunami grow from a minuscule rise in the horizon into a monstrous tidal wave
I am not moving, I am not scared, I am not scared, I am not wearing swimwear, I am standing on the beach, waiting for the tsunami
And dad taught me about love and sacrifice
But that's sorta like a book that you read and forgot about
'Cause I don't love and I don't sacrifice
And youth was my excuse for that but that excuse is getting old
Maybe I'm gay
I'm thinking about dad

I'm thinking about Ronnie
His stepmom kicked him out because he wasn't hers so he moved
to the hood with his mom and 8 half-brothers
I stopped hanging out with him then when he needed my friendship the most
That was 9 years ago
His mom's sick now so he takes care of her and the rest of the family
The oldest
He lives with them in a little house on Schaffer in Detroit
I live with no one in a million dollar house in Los Angeles
I'm thinking about Ronnie

I'm thinking about death
What if this plane goes down?
That would be okay
I had a good run
I wonder if a lot of people would come to my funeral
Maybe my fans would do something special
Maybe they'd cry and maybe it'd be in the newspaper
Yeah, I think I'd get on the Detroit news
Probably not the New York Times
You people will probably like my music more when I'm dead
'Cause they'll know no more is coming
You see people love stories with endings
Right now I'm just a story that's sorta dragging on slowly
Page by page, year by year
But people want an ending, they want a crash, they want an ear in the fucking mail
I don't have one
All I have is another lousy poem and the knowledge that I'll probably die somewhere, confused and decrepit in a nursing home
But I don't think this plane's gonna crash

I'm thinking about Otis
I'm thinking about Kurt
I'm thinking about Dilla
I'm thinking about

Death