The Buffoon And The Dean Of Admissions

(album: They're All Gonna Laugh At You! - 1993)

"And now a buffoon's meeting with the dean of admissions at a prestigious college."

[Dean:] "Well Michael, I would like to extend my warmest congradulations
on your upcoming graduation and I understand
you are interested in matriculating here in the fall."

[Buffoon:] "I got a snake, man!"

[Dean:] "Yes, pets are welcome here on campus.
Be it the traditional dog, or cat, or even the occasional reptile."

[Buffoon:] "One time I fed it some beer man! It was slithering this way and that!
It was all fucked up!"

[Dean:] "I'm sure it was.
Well we discourage inappropriate drinking among both students
and pets here on campus."

[Buffoon:] "Fucking Shit!"

[Dean:] "Yes, that's a not uncommon reaction to this policy.
So tell me a little bit more about your background."

[Buffoon:] "My father's a fucking asshole, man!"

[Dean:] "Hmm, I see. Your feelings of rebelion are not unusual at your age son."

[Buffoon:] "My mother's a piece of shit too!"

[Dean:] "Well, I hope you can find an outlet for your hostility
over the summer so you can come to school in the fall relaxed
and ready to learn."

[Buffoon:] "My teacher in high school was a stupid bitch, man!
She had her head way up her ass!"

[Dean:] "Well the quality of the faculty at a University
such as ours far exceeds that of a local public high school."

[Buffoon:] "Your secretary's a real fat bitch, man!"

[Dean:] "Yes, she's tried many diets over the years with minimal success."

[Buffoon:] "I had diarhea last month. I had to shit all fucking day!"

[Dean:] "Uh huh, Well we all get the occasional stomach bug,
never a pleasurable experience.
So have you given any thought to your choice of major?"

[Buffoon:] "I've got a big fucking boner right now."

[Dean:] "I see. Well sexual arrousal is not uncommon during periods
of nervous tension. I do not take offense."

[Buffoon:] "One time I ate my neighbors shit!"

[Dean:] "That's understandable. Well, I enjoyed meeting you.
We'll be sending you our decision by the end of the month."

[Buffoon:] "I bet you got really hairy balls."

[Dean:] "Yes, it's a veritable forest down there. Bye bye."