Hot Water Burn Baby

(album: Stan And Judy's Kid - 1999)

[Father:] Well Ryan, tomorrow's a big day. Your mom's coming home from the hospital with your new baby sister.
[Ryan:] baby sister
[Father:] That's right, baby sister.
[Ryan:] baby sister
[Father:] So, uh, I think now is the time for us to go over some safety rules for when you're around your new baby sister.
[Ryan:] safety rules
[Father:] Okay, rule number one: Always wash your hands before touching the baby.
[Ryan:] wash hands
[Father:] Do you know why?
[Ryan:] no
[Father:] Well, because sometimes you have germs on your hands and germs are bad for the baby cause they can make the baby sick.
[Ryan:] germs make baby sick
[Father:] That's right, that's right, Ryan. Germs make baby sick.
[Ryan:] germs make the baby sick
[Father:] Okay, rule number two.
[Ryan:] more rules
[Father:] Don't feed the baby anything.
[Ryan:] don't feed the baby.
[Father:] That's right.
[Ryan:] why?
[Father:] Well, because the baby needs to eat special baby food.
[Ryan:] why?
[Father:] Oh...well, other food is bad for the baby.
[Ryan:] other food bad for the baby
[Father:] That's right, good. Now, rule number three.
[Ryan:] more rules
[Father:] Never take hot water near the baby because hot water will burn the baby.
[Ryan:] water bad for the baby
[Father:] Well, not all water, just hot water,
[Ryan:] yes
[Father:] Cause hot water will burn the baby.
[Ryan:] i don't understand, daddy
[Father:] Okay, see this glass of water that I'm drinking?
[Ryan:] yes
[Father:] Well, this water is okay for the baby.
[Ryan:] yes
[Father:] Here, touch the glass.
[Ryan:] yes
[Father:] See, it's nice and cool.
[Ryan:] yes
[Father:] Now if this was hot water that would be bad because hot water can burn the baby.
[Ryan:] hot water burn baby?
[Father:] Yes, hot water burn baby.
[Ryan:] hot water burn baby
[Father:] Yes, yes, hot water burn baby.
[Ryan:] hot water burn your baby
[Father:] Yes.
[Ryan:] baby can't go in swimming pool?
[Father:] Oh no, the swimming pool is okay. Swimming pool water is cool.
[Ryan:] yes
[Father:] That's alright.
[Ryan:] yes
[Father:] But the jacuzzi is bad because that water is hot and hot water will burn the baby.
[Ryan:] hot water burn the baby
[Father:] Yes.
[Ryan:] hot water burn the baby
[Father:] Yes. Now say you made a cup of tea, would you take that near the baby?
[Ryan:] yea, baby like tea
[Father:] No Ryan, uh, I don't think you get it yet.
[Ryan:] baby no like tea?
[Father:] Well, I'm sure the baby will like tea, but what do you make tea with?
[Ryan:] ...hot water
[Father:] Right, and what did we say about hot water?
[Ryan:] ...oh, hot water burn baby
[Father:] Yes, hot water burn baby!
[Ryan:] hot water burn baby!
[Father:] That's right so no tea near the baby.
[Ryan:] hot water burn baby
[Father:] Yes.
[Ryan:] baby no take bath?
[Father:] No, bath water is warm. Warm is okay.
[Ryan:] yes
[Father:] Hot is bad.
[Ryan:] yes...hot water burn baby
[Father:] Yes, hot water burn baby.
[Ryan:] hot water burn baby
[Father:] I think you're getting it!
[Ryan:] hot water burn baby
[Father:] That's right, Ryan.
[Ryan:] hot water burn baby
[Father:] NOW DON'T YOU EVER FORGET THAT!
[Narrator:] 30 year later!
[Wife:] Hey, Ryan, what are you doing out there?
[Ryan:] Just watching the discovery channel.
[Wife:] Well, dinner's gonna be ready in about five minutes.
[Ryan:] Aw, great baby, aight, I'll be in in a few momentos. Lemme just wind down...(garbled)
[Wife:] Okay, honey!
[Ryan:] Yeah.
[TV:] The villagers of Pasquan
[Ryan:] Pasquan
[TV:] have a very bizarre and painful way of welcoming their infants into the community.
[Ryan:] [garbled]
[TV:] Unfortunately, the death rate from this ritual is a mortifying 90 percent.
[Ryan:] My God.
[TV:] That explains the Pasquan's low population.
[Ryan:] Yeah, it does.
[TV:] On the first full moon of Autumn, all the Pasquanian mothers wrap their new-borns in traditional hand painted deerskin,...
[Ryan:] Deerskin.
[TV:] ...which have been passed along from generation to generation.
[Ryan:] That's nice.
[TV:] The entire Pasquan population then forms a circle on the sacred battlefield of Chin-Chara.
[Ryan:] ya-yara
[TV:] Each Pasquanian baby is then passed, hand to hand, around the circle...
[Ryan:] Wow.
[TV:] ...four times.
[Ryan:] Four times.
[TV:] Once for the sun,...
[Ryan:] Hmm.
[TV:] ...once for the moon,...
[Ryan:] The moon.
[TV:] ...once for the earth,...
[Ryan:] The earth.
[TV:] ...and once for the wind.
[Ryan:] The wind, too.
[TV:] When the babies arrive back in their mother's hands, they are marched, in procession, to the Pasquanian natural hot springs...
[Ryan:] What?
[TV:] ...where the ceremonial purification will be completed.
[Ryan:] What are you saying here?
[TV:] As we watch, the mothers take their progeny out of the deerskin shells...
[Ryan:] No.
[TV:] ...and dunk them into the steaming water.
[Ryan:] No! No! Hot water burn baby! Hot water burn baby!
[Father:] That's right, Ryan. Hot water burn baby.
[Ryan:] Hot water burn baby!
[Wife:] Ryan! What's going on out there? Are you okay?
[Ryan:] Hot water burn baby!
[Father:] Hot water burn most definitely burn baby.
[Ryan:] Hot water burn baby!
[Father:] That's right, Ryan. Hot water burn baby!
[Ryan:] Hot water burn baby!
[Father:] You are a bitch, Ryan!
[Ryan:] Hot water burn baby!
[Wife:] Ryan, are you alright?
[Father:] Hot water burn the baby!
[Ryan:] Hot water burn baby!
[Wife:] Ryan!
[Father:] What are you gonna do, whore?
[Wife:] Ryan!
[Ryan:] Hot water burn baby!
[Father:] Bitch!
[Wife:] Ryan! What's going on out there?
[Ryan:] Hot water burn baby!
[Father:] Whore!
[Wife:] Who are you talking to?
[Father:] Bitch!
[Ryan:] I'm talking to the man!
[Father:] Whore!
[Ryan:] Hot water burn baby!
[Wife:] Ryan!
[Father:] Bitch! Ryan is a whore!