My Clingy Girlfriend

(album: Space Vampires Vs. Zombie Dinosaurs In 3D - 2011)

I met her one day at the grocery store
She had a jar of pickles and ingredients for smores
I said to her "Smores are sweet but I'm sweeter"
She laughed and said "Sure you are, make me a believer"
Oh smores

I met her later for a cup of coffee
Something strange about the way that she looked at me
I took her hand, pulled her close, then I kissed her
"Don't ever leave me" she said in a creepy whisper
Oh shit

My new clingy girlfriend, loves to text me all night
My clingy girlfriend is jealous of all kinds of
Women, my friends, my dog, my Xbox
All of the above gotta be second to my clingy girlfriend, no

A year goes by, and she moves in with me
My man cave is now pink and there are tampons under the sink
I had a drum set I played but she pawned it
At her friend's wedding, she reached for the bouquet and she caught it
Awkward

She spends her time looking at wedding dresses
Rings and cakes and flowers yeah, she's kind of obsessed
I think it's time to consider other options
'Cause I suspect that she's poking holes in the condoms
Need proof

My clingy girlfriend, loves to text me all night
My clingy girlfriend is jealous of all kinds of
Women, my friends, my dog, my Xbox
All of the above gotta be second to my clingy girlfriend, no

I made her a cupcake to soften the blow when
I told her "I'm not ready for this level of commitment"
She grabbed for a fork then stabbed me in the arm and
Began to pull my hair out while expressing her resentment

And then she told me she would murder my whole family, my coworkers and the girl
Who took my order that day at Wendy's then she set the house on fire
And ran screaming right outside and I felt guilty as the flames reflected off her teary eyes

So I took her back and now she won't let me have my car or my dog or my beer or my porn
My bathroom, my guitar, my pool table, my camera
My iPhone, my website, my Macbook Pro or my iPad
My vitamins or my coffee maker, the internet or my waffle iron
My tools, my washer dryer combo, riding lawnmower, my fuel filter or my PS3
Or my sousaphone or my fishing pole or my life