People's Court

(album: Surely You Joust - 1986)

Hello, Judge Wapner. Let us on that people's court
Hello, Judge Wapner, you're our court of last resort
Our marriage is up against the wall, want to get on TV and tell it all
Judge Wapner, let us on that people's court

Hello, is this Judge Wapner of people's court?
This here is Arlo Drukard of Arlo's one stop gas station, beer, ice, bread, milk mini mart and all night video tape rental
Judge, what we got here is a marriage that's a regular catastrophe
That's right. Me and my wife, Myrna Louise, while once passionately in love, now find that life has dealt us a cruel blow
Yes, sir. As we have matured, our tastes have changed and we've grown apart intellectually, philosophically, politically, and in our recreational and culinary interests and now fall along parallel lines which will never again intersect
What I mean judge is, I can't stand that woman
Incompatible? No, I just hate her guts!
'Bout the only thing we agree upon is to get on your show and fight this thing out
Now Myrna Louise's momma has even knitted us his and hers matching
Triple-knit leisure suits for the occasion

The Litigates are entering the courtroom
The plaintiff Arlo Drukard and the defendant, his wife Myrna Louise
Mr. Drukard is filing for divorce on the grounds that Myrna Louise
Has become an aerobics and health food nut who no longer shares
His life's interests of watching TV, eating large quantities of junk food and carp fishing

Naw! I just hate her guts!

Hello, Judge Wapner. Let us on that people's court
Hello, Judge Wapner, you're our court of last resort
Our marriage is up against the wall, want to get on TV and tell it all
Judge Wapner, let us on that people's court

The judge has reviewed the case in his chambers and is about to speak
All rise!

I know you've been sworn and I've read your complaints
I've spent several hours going over the files that you've both presented and find this hard to believe
Myrna Louise, is it true that you've suddenly stopped preparing a breakfast of ham, eggs, grits, biscuits and cream gravy for Arlo after having done so for six years and insist that he now eat a bowl of spinach crispies, sprinkled with wheat germ and topped with kumquat yogurt?

I just want him to be healthy, your Honor

And Arlo. Is it true that without Mryna Louise's knowledge or consent you emptied out the entire contents of your ant colony into her best pair of one size fits all pantyhose that she used as workout leotards?

Yeah I did, Judge. I thought if she wanted to do them air-e-obic exercises, I'd really help her get them pudgy little legs off the ground
You should have seen her, judge, trying to get them things off
Made Jane Fonda look like Roy Orbison. I mean them little fire ants will get you to move

Dismissed! The people's court rules in favor of Myrna Louise!

The Litigates are now leaving the court room. Here comes Myrna Louise. You must be pretty happy. The judge ruled in your favor and gave you everything
I just appreciate that Judge Wapner so much. I've been thinking this over, however, and I do want to be fair. Why, there ain't a vindictive bone in my aerobic conditioned, quivering, fire ant ravaged body. I'm going to let Arlo keep his ant colony and a Styrofoam minnow bucket
And here comes Arlo, our disillusioned convenience store owner
I tell you, I'm still pretty dad-burned disillusioned, to tell you that. My marriage to Myrna Louise was my fourth, and I ain't come out of a one of them. I decided I ain't gonna get married again. No, sir. I'm just gonna go out every three or four years, find me a woman I hate and buy her a house. But, even though I lost I still suggest that all you with problems call up the judge and say:

Hello, Judge Wapner. Let us on that people's court
Hello, Judge Wapner, you're our court of last resort
Our marriage is up against the wall, want to get on TV and tell it all
Judge Wapner, let us on that people's court
...