The Stand Up Comic's Instructions

(album: Our Favourite Shop - 1985)

Now listen: get 'em laughing keep 'em there,
You hold your own and they'll hold their's,
Hold their glasses can't hold their beer
Tell 'em the one about the frigging queer.
Do the one that always works,
'Bout the lazy blacks that don't like work,
And once you got 'em, keep 'em there
Raise their spirits! Raise their cheer!

I don't know what you want from me
But I know I'll never be
The kind of person who gives away just laughs

Do that one that never fails,
'Bout the gang of white thugs and the Asian male,
And once you got 'em, they'll be with you!
See this lot's loyal, through and through.

Tell Irish jokes and you can't miss,
Do the building site one and how they're all thick.
Keep 'em laughing you'll have it made,
We're a friendly lot and you'll be well paid.

I don't know what you want from me
But I know I'll never be...

But keep 'em laughing don't let it stop
Or the truth might catch up and spoil the plot.