White People / Faggot

(album: Make Happy - 2016)

[Bo Burnham (Audience):]
White guys, it's easy to be a white guy (Yeah!)
Yeah, white guy! We deserve a cheer once in a while.
Very easy to be a white guy, very easy.
But white guys get a lot of shit, and it's not fair, 'cause we've done a lot of things, ya know?
We invented a lot of stuff.
White guys invented... everything but peanut butter, I believe. That's what I was taught in school, everything but peanut butter. Doesn't sound right, but the American educational system having a racial bias? No way, Joseph.

Guys, white... white people a little uncomfortable.
We'll do a racial joke about the white people so you don't feel uncomfortable.
White people, we like the same foods.
Uh, favorite sandwich: peanut butter and (jelly) jelly.
Macaroni and (cheese)
Our favorite chips: salt and vi (negar)
Wow! Who said it? Get the cameras on them.
Your grandkids are gonna see this, know what a bigot their grandfather or grandmother were.
Every non-white person, see who said that, find them after the show.
Put the lights down; their faces creep me out.

Guys, I'm not perfect. Okay? I don't "use air quote correctly."
Alright? But I am against double standards across the board.
Why is it that when a woman wears revealing clothing, she's labeled a slut, yet if I were to wear her skin as a jacket, I'm a murderer.
Why--If I fuck a kid, I'm a pedophile, but if a kid fucks me, I'm a pedophile again? Twice in a week? What is this?

[Bo Burnham & high-pitched, pre-recorded voice:]
Hey, Bo. You wanna sing a song with us?
Okay
Great!
I don't know the words, though.
That's alright. You'll figure it out.
Alright, woo!
Hey, Bo, guess what...
What?
You're a faggot
[*audience laughs*]
Wasn't clever, it was just mean. Bigoted, I apologize for that. So I was interrupted the other day, while
Hey, Bo.
Motherfucker!
Wanna sing another song together?
I really don't
Too bad
Goddamnit
Hey, Bo, guess what...
I'm a faggot
Correct
It's not funny
You're a faggot, you're a faggot, you're a fucking faggot
You're a faggot, you're a fucking faggot
Can you turn the lights off, at least?
You're a faggot, you're a faggot, you're a fucking faggot
Is this funny to you people?
You're a faggot, you're a fucking faggot
Turn it off. Turn the track off
[*needle scratching*]
Why was it on a record player? You got a record player back there?
You have hooked up a record player?
You know, it's one thing to make that, but to press it onto vinyl is a whole other thing, alright? It's gonna outlive me.
Just to be clear, I wrote, conceived, and executed the entirety of that bit. Do not give those dumb fucks any credit.
It's all me, baby, all me.

Look at you people in the Abe Lincoln seats. Bam! Too late. Too late. How dare he make that joke so late.