I'm Going To Be A Daddy

(album: Hip Hop Hooray - 2017)

When she showed me the pregnancy tests, I felt numb
I thought these things were supposed to tell a fact
How come, we got this outcome?
They're meant to be 99.9% accurate
But now I doubt them
I thought maybe one day, I may want a baby
But not here, not now, what, are you crazy?
It's too soon, I'm too stupid to build a human nest
I'm a manchild hiding in the shadow of my student debts
We always used protection
At least in my recollection
Well I guess this is another new regret for my collection
And I won't kill a fetus
Even if it's millimeters
If I'm big enough to spill a seed, then I'm big enough to let it breathe
Fellow creature
Full of genes of each of us we're
Big enough to bring it up and let it develop features
Left speechless
But my ears hurt even when I hear tiny noises
How am I gonna deal with each night of crying high-pitched voices?
When they're in pain there's no way to make them say it softly
I'm good with kids, as long as someone can take them off me
And what'll remain of the relationship that's already strained?
The love that's left is drained and plugged into a baby's veins
And what if this isn't the right relationship to stay with?
At this stage of the day it may just be too late to change it

I'm gonna be a daddy and I'm fucking terrified
I'm gonna throw up and there's nowhere I can ever hide
I wanna stop
I wanna wake up and get off this ride
I'm gonna be a daddy and I'm fucking terrified

My life is rather good
It's not time for fatherhood
Looking after cats is hard enough
I can't give up my livelihood
I can't be a role model
My own soul is swoddled
My train of thoughts like a pram rolling on old cobbles
How can I change the habit of a lifetime?
I'm a lazy chappie
Change that? I've never had to change a baby's nappy
Don't wanna watch the Tweenies on the T.V.
I like cold classic, black 'n' white cinema
Fuck Cbeebies
I don't have a choice anymore
I don't have a voice anymore
Can't make noise anymore
I can't have a bottle of Brandy and a LAN party with the boys anymore
The way I want to steer the ship or the way it heads, all different
The game of life's flipped from single to player to a co-op escort mission
How can I provide enough safety and security
When it feels like it's the whole world versus her and me?
Poland versus Germany
East versus West
Earth's eating itself when I've invited you to be its guest
What can I bring to the table?
I'm not mentally stable
But they say parenting's innate and we're all meant to be able
But what if it's ill? What if it's disabled? What if it's not mine?
What if it dies? What if it grows up to be a horrible little gobshite?
What if it hates me? What if it's not just one kid?
What if it listens to this song and feels unwanted?

I'm gonna be a daddy and I'm fucking terrified
I'm gonna throw up and there's nowhere I can ever hide
I wanna stop
I wanna wake up and get off this ride
I'm gonna be a daddy and I'm fucking terrified

I hope I can be healthy during the birth, providing backup for the mother of the youngest of the children of Earth
When it's 18, I'll be 48, when it's 48, I'll be 78, and when it's 78, I should be dead in a grave and have a place waiting at the heavenly gate
Every day a memory fades except for some strange cases
Like when I'm travelling back to the past and wondering whether to change places
When she showed me the pregnancy test I felt numb
But now I've settled down, I've got one message: "Welcome"

(I'm gonna be a daddy) [x9]