The Arch-Illager

(album: Generation Gaming XXIII: Breakfast At Limmy's - 2021)

I was born into a cruel and unforgiving
Nasty world that didn't want me
They rejected, disrespected, scorned
And shunned me, cold and hungry
All I wanted was some company to be comfy
But to put it bluntly they were being a bunch
Of considerably rude neighbours, so I gave up
Then I stumbled on a bloody massive cave, look
The doorway yawned awake slowly
I wasn't brave normally
But a strange force was calling me
And so with flaming torch in hand
I made my way forward, though those serrated
Corners on the boulders made it awkward
I gazed on in awe following a short reconnaissance
I saw what lay before me, it was called the Orb of Dominance
It held sway over my thoughts, I gained confidence
Till at once the commoners no longer had my tolerance

I'm a small Illager, the littlest around
But now I've got a feeling I'm gonna be well-endowed
I'm a small Illager, my will it stands proud
Growing till I fit the throne so hand me the crown

Now bow down, show me the top of your head
Hey, I said bow down, else I'll be dropping you dead
I'm the Arch-Illager and I will pillage your village
Until you give in so run, you can't win
If you stand in my path you'll get trampled like grass
I see you haven't any heating, I can provide that
No need to thank me, here's a torch completely free of charge
I'll leave your family tree scorched, slashed with lethal steel shards
Oh, I see you're planning a resistance, if you're going to lead the charge
Be advised, objects in your rearview appear large
Your mistake was thinking this a safe space for your opinions
Till my minions chased you straight away from my dominion
So make haste, spread my covenant all across the kingdom
I'm your new government coming for more than just your income
You can try assembling a rebellion of adventurers
It's never gonna bother me, my friend, so don't pretend it does

I'm the Arch-Illager, now come on down
Down into my dungeon, have a look around
I'm the Arch-Illager living in a cave
And having a party while keeping villagers enslaved
Now come on down, down, come on quicker
Chop chop, come on down, down some hard liquor
I am the Arch-Illager, handle my business
Now everybody give a big hand to our visitors

Look at you and your gang, you couldn't be more villainous
Forcing my hand, you're gonna be all prisoners
No forgiveness, I'm sending in my skeletons
In regiments defending us against your weapons with a vengeance
Repelling your torches, enemy forces
Making me nauseous, better be cautious
Or you'll be left on the edge of a tall cliff, awkward, better restore quick
Then come down into the dungeon where the smell is rather pungent
Can't tell if it's your bunions or you've been cutting some onions

I'm the Arch-Illager, thank you for coming down
Now make yourself comfortable, have a look around
I'm the Arch-Illager, catching you unaware
If you come in unprepared here's someone you haven't met
So glad you came down, down, summoned to my lair
There now, what's the matter chuck? You look a little scared
I'm the Arch-Illager and I warned ya
That if you didn't give up then I'd have to confiscate your head

I'm not to be messed with me I may be small
But I'm kind of a big deal
So my suggestion should you wish to heed it
And I strongly advise that you do
Is to bugger off!