The White Boy Troubles

(album: Thing-Fish - 1984)

[includes Amnerika and quote from What'd I Say (Charles) and Wooly Bully (Samudio)]

[Ensemble: (singing)]
De white boy troubles!
(White boy troubles!)
De white boy troubles!
(Boy got troubles!)
Oh what a boidennn!
(Ooh, heavy boidennn!)
His car's fucked up!
De boy got a provlem!
She ripped up de 'polstry
(Wit de red dress on)
Outa dat O-zo-mobile!
(Tell me what I say)
Hafta go ta Tia-Juana now!
(Mattie told Hattie)
He should go to BROWN MOSES,
Way down in Egyppp-Lainnn!
(Egyppp-Lainnn)

[Thing-Fish: (checking off a clipboard, like a social worker)]
Looks likes y'done putty good heahh, HARRY-AS-A-BOY! I sees ya' growing up like a weed, axmodently reproducing YOSEFF 'n evvythang. Done found some low-rent housing in a one-dimensional cardbode nativity box on some Italian's funt lawn . . . bunch o' crab-grass underneath de offspring fo quick 'n easy sanitatium . . . shit! Y'all provvly be saving up fo yo first LAVA LAMP putty soon!

[Harry-As-A-Boy:]
We're incredibly happy! Even though I'm gay for business purposes, my relationship with artificial RHONDA has blossomed into something really beautiful, although I must confess to being baffled by how she got knocked up.

[Thing-Fish:]
Well, if de trufe be told, it were de father o' de boy at de gas statium . . . when y'sent de ol' lady in fo' de inner-tube patching, 'round de foth o' July.

[Harry-As-A-Boy:]
QUENTIN? How could he be so unfaithful? I'm sure God has ways of punishing naughty little guys like that!

[Thing-Fish:]
Mights well stop complaining, boy! De damage been done! Leastways y'all can pretend to be SOME KINDA DADDY! Yo' rubber bitch ain't gwine change no diapers! Y'said y'all was incredibly happy! Enjoy it while y'got it, boy! De shit gwine hit de fan in a minute!

[Harry-As-A-Boy:]
What? Something BAD is going to happen?

[Thing-Fish:]
You figgit out . . . judging fum de intellectional expressium on yo' beloved's ignint face, de bitch gwine be contemplating A CAREER OF HER OWN! See dat?

Look like she got her one good eye on a briefcase 'n a tweed spo't coat down de mall somewheres!

During de intromissium, few de SISTERS seen her 'tending a CONSCIOUSNESS RAISIN' MEETIN' over at de Hiltum! Thass right! Bitch passed up de MASH POTATOES 'n took off wit' de High School Cafeteria Butch.

Making matters woise, de Italian dat be owning yo' nativity bungalow been wondring 'bouts de hanky AN' de panky 'tween you 'n dem two concrete flamingos ovuh by de steps! You been messing wit de State Bird o' New Jersey, muthafucker! Dat kin git you five to life in dis vicinity! If you wants a little frennly advice, boy, I'd be growing my ass up a little quicker, 'n whizz on outa heahh!

Leave de ugly baby in de crab-grass, snatch up yo' wretched excuse fo a woman, 'n climb on up de heap! Get yo'seff a job driving a truck fulla string-beans to Utah! Make sumfing out y'seff, so's y'can afode a ticket to de MAMMY NUN SHOW! Den we can piss all ovuh de adulterated wimp you gwine become, an' get de shit rolling agin'!