You & The Cockroach

(album: The Fall Of Hobo Johnson - 2019)

Okay, picture this
There's this cold floating rock, right?
And at the bottom of the rock there's this ocean
And at the bottom of the ocean there's these little teeny amoeba, right?
And after millions of years these amoeba
They start turning into fish and swimming around
I don't know how it works, but it does
So these amoebas, right, these f-amoeba fish
Start swimming around until one day
One of these fish was like, "You know what?
I fucking hate the ocean, it sucks, its cold, it's wet
I'm done! I'm done"
So he grabs these fucking little things that are called hands and feet and connects them to his body
And he crawls out of this ocean, right?
And when he gets onto the bay, guess what he sees?
He looks around and he sees a
Female fish, and she's beautiful
Oh my God, stunning
So they talk, they talk for a few days
And they start, you know after a few days they start mashing parts
MASHING PARTS
'Cause that's what happens, right?
So they mash parts and all these babies get born
After millions of years these babies shed their scales, shed their fins
Until they start standing upright, and one day
They, fucking Their brains get so big
That they begin to understand these really scary concepts
And one of these concepts is that they're going to...
DIE
And what's scarier than knowing you're going to die?
Nothing, to me
So one day, this guy's like, "You know what? I'm gonna create something that makes me not afraid of dying," right?
So he comes up with it, and it's actually called this thing that you may know as, it's called...
RELIGION
And this religion causes a bunch of...
CONFLICT
Conflict, bang-bang-bang, that's literally what it sounds like
So with all of this...
CONFLICT
They understand they need some orders so they create this thing called...
GOVERNMENT
To keep each other in line, but guess what
It actually doesn't happen like that
Guess what it creates, it creates a bunch more...
CONFLICT
Oh my God!
And out of all this conflict arises a president
And this president is orange, he's got orange hair
It's parted to the side, it looks really dumb
He's chubby, and he's got little sausage fingers
They look like Little Smokies
I personally love Little Smokies
Either way, he starts arguing with this leader on the other side of the world
He's got a bowl cut, he's similarly pudgy
He's got sausage fingers too
I don't know what it is with guys with sausage fingers
But it messes their minds up, right?
So they start bickering like little children
And one day the guy with orange hair is just like, "You know what? I'm gonna fucking do it, I've got a small dick, I ain't got nothing to lose"
So he gets his thing, and he presses the button and it just goes...

Ba-ba-ba-bang-bang and it blows him up!
And everybody dies!
Everybody dies!
Everybody dies!

What's the only thing that survives a nuclear war?
Everyone say it on 5
1, 2, 3, 4... 5
COCKROACHES, yeah
So the cockroaches are really small, but
After millions of years they start getting bigger
Then one day they start losing their fucking shale... uh, shells
And losing their fucking... a-antennas
And then they fucking... brains get so big
They understand these really scary concepts
And the concepts that they are going to...
DIE
But guess what, they don't wanna die
So they create this new thing called...
RELIGION
But it creates a newer thing called...
CONFLICT
So then they protect each other, so they create...
GOVERNMENT
But then it creates even more...
CONFLICT
Oh my God!
And out of this conflict arises this fucking president
He's a cockroach, he's a little f-small boy
And he gets really fucking... insecure about his place in the world
Ha-ha-ha, classic
So he finds some guy to project onto
And they start bickering, and he bickers and bickers
The other guy's like, "Fuck you"
The other guy's like, "Fuck you, motherfucker"
But he has to go to his top cockroach scientist
Because guess what, nukes don't fucking work on cockroaches
It bounces off them like... a soft ocean breeze
So the president fucking, he's like, "Okay, I'm gonna do it"
So he devises a new missile
He talks to his top cockroach scientist, imagine that
A big human-like cockroach in a fucking labsuit with glasses on, hehe
So he fucking tells him, he's like, "We need a missile that kills cockroaches"
So the scientist is like, "Okay, I got it, it's gonna be a missile
And on the end of the missile, instead of a nuke
It's one giant, president, it's a giant, it's a giant..."

Shoe!
And it blows him up!

It's a giant... shoe, heh
Classic, classic, classic...

"I mean... I mean, we just tryna chill. We didn't come here to show off, or like floss our shit or anything like that. We just came to chill and have fun. And I guess that's what life's all about. Ha ha, let go."