D&D (2005 Bonus Version) (Bonus Track)

(album: The Craig Machine - 2005)

Now this is about a guy you might remember from high school

[Lynch:] Harmonica.
[Teich:] [imitates harmonica]

[Lynch:] More harmonica.
[Teich:] [imitates harmonica]

[Lynch:] [after a pause] Bassoon.
[Teich:] And you're a cocksucker.
[Lynch:] Thank you.

[Lynch:] I got my 12-sided die and I'm ready to roll with a wizard and my goblin crew.
My friends are coming over to my mom's basement, bringing Funyuns and Mountain Dew.
[Teich:] I got a big broadsword made outta cardboard, and the stereo's a-pumping Zeppelin
[Lynch:] [in falsetto] Whole lotta love
[Teich:] It's that time of the night, we turn on the black light,
[Both:] Let the Dungeons and the Dragons begin IT'S D&D!
[Teich:] Fighting with the legends of yore.
[Both:] IT'S D&D!
[Teich:] Never kissed a lady before.
[Lynch:] Nope.
[Both:] Whoo!

[Lynch:] Play us a little gui-tar, Teichy, come on.
[Teich:] [picks up a small guitar and, after a long pause, plucks one string] Did you see that?
[Lynch:] Yeah!

[Lynch:] Now the Lord of the Rings, the Dark Crystal and things, we use these as a reference tool,
[Teich:] And when we put on our cloaks and tell warlock jokes, WE'RE THE COOLEST KIDS IN THE SCHOOL!
[Lynch:] [under his breath] No we're not.
[Teich:] [also under his breath] I know.
[Lynch:] Now Teich's a real bastard, but a fair dungeon master; he's got hit points and charisma to lend,
[Teich:] And I rehearse in my room, or what I call the dragon's tomb, when I'm not out with my girl friend.
[Both:] It's D&D!

[Teich keeps singing, but Lynch stops short]
[Lynch:] Oh hold on, I'm sorry, hold on one second. Dude, come on.
[Teich:] What?
[Lynch:] Seriously!
[Teich:] What?
[Lynch:] You got a fucking girlfriend? "Dungeon Master"?
[Teich:] Yeah, all right, I do, I have a girlfriend. I do! I have a girlfriend ... ahhhh, I don't have a girlfriend.

[Both:] It's D&D!
[Lynch:] Summoning the demons of hell,
[Both:] It's D&D!
[Teich:] When our shift ends at the Taco Bell.

[Lynch's brother Drew comes onstage]

[Lynch:] Well, my medieval brother, there's room here for another, would you care to take a roll of the die?
[Drew:] Now listen to my words, you guys are fucking nerds, I'd rather stick that sword in my eye!
[Lynch:] Wow!
[Drew:] You're not a warrior strong! Your fucking wand is a bong! There's no such thing as a gnome or a sprite!
[Both:] We put a spell on thee!
[Drew:] [laughing] You guys are too much for me, ha ha ha ...
[Both:] [after a long pause to glare at him] That's what your mama said last night.
[All:] It's D&D!
[Lynch:] Warriors who terrify
[All:] It's D&D!

[All:] Virgins till the day we-e-e-e-e-eeeee-AH
[all freakiness ensues]

[Lynch:] 1, 2, FUCK YOU!
[All:] DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!