Isn't It Beautiful?

And we were all at Matt's house
In the basement
Hanging out
And getting drunk

We took the blood
From both our fingers
And pressed it on our tongues

We're in the forest
With the trees
And this is so much history
But what about my history
Coward

I don't know what to tell you man
Those jokes are three years old
And I didn't know anyone was uncomfortable

Yeah well I hope you and your fucking kids starve man
And I hope that Wes fucking dies in a car crash
And how about I fucking trash his bar
So you guys can't make anything else
Because you guys think you're fucking better than me
And I am not out of line

She said that I cannot identify with a band
Unless I know everything
About their lead singer

What does he look like
What are his motives
She said that he hates her
Said that he hit her

And I will be the first to admit
That there is something wrong inside of my brain

My bipolar makes me feel foggy
And I am develop mentally delayed

And sometimes I lash out
And I hit
Like a child who was taught not to hit

But I know I am better than that
So I have been in rehabilitation and therapy

It's hard for me to feel like I'm growing
When I read all of these things online

But I know maturity is the journey
And hail Satan I have arrived

I've let my mental illness define
The last 10 years of my life
In social circles that were bad for me
Acting out and fighting online

I hate when people say they have mental illness
But they still know how to act

I think they think that they can fool you
With bravery and judgement and fact

I am happy that all my personal struggles
Have been aired out for you all to see

Because the choice to accept mental illness
Is no longer just up to me
It is up to you to see what I've done
Under the microscope
My entire life

Narcissistic mentally
When I see people coming
And try to define

My complicated spirit
And my complicated soul

I am mentally unwell
But like you I have a soul

And I am not the person that they say I am
But those parts of me exist

They are toxic
They are evil
I'm disgusted
Just like him

And I abused my medication
And I lied and said I'm fine

But I was angry
Saying faggot behind closed doors and still online

And I could talk about the suicide attempts I've had
Since everything went up

And the four weeks I spent hospitalized
But you would tell me that it's not enough
So what exactly is enough
How much hate does it take
To fix an abusers mental state
And mind
To make sure that at the same time
He gets his

And we talk about accountability
And what that looks like individually

So let me own up
Right here right now
And say I take full accountability
For being toxic
And abusive
And misleading with my life
And for anger that we pray for
When I cry for you at night

And you know you don't forgive
And I know you won't forget
And I'm glad you all feel better
For the things that you said

And I am sorry for the pain
And the things that I have said
And the people that I threatened
And I still wish that I was dead

And if I had a normal brain
Then everything would be the same
But I don't

I'm writing this letter to apologize
To everyone I hurt
I wish I could take back the things I have said and done
But I am unable

I found out recently
That I have BPD
And that doesn't excuse my actions
But it's quite the opposite

I am ashamed at my lack of maturity
To fall through with enough doctors and medication
And I lied when I said I was on a path to recovery

I was actually on a downwards spiral
Abusing Xanax and those who were close to me

And those people from Medina
Know I'm mentally ill
But they set the precedence that I was not
Which is my fault

I know that the best thing for my family and my future
Is to step away from music and the public eye

And I had this sickening drive to succeed
And I was insanely jealous
Of bands like The Front Bottoms
But that's the 18 year old me
I never grew out of being

So let me transition now
Into being an adult

I'm speaking to my daughter and my wife
And I want you to know
How beautiful you are

And how I lay awake at night
Studying how I can become a better man
And separate myself from the things that are bad for me
And I love you more than fall loves autumn leaves

And I love the idea
Of leaving McCafferty behind
And that's exactly what I'm doing
Right here
Right now

There are many lessons I have learned from my journey
And when I look back at it
Those lessons take time and pain to set in

I am sorry to everyone
For my lack of social skills
And making people uncomfortable
And I wanna thank everyone who has listened

If you are someone
With a past that you regret
Let these words be your safe place

I'm done