If I Didn't Have You

(album: Tim Minchin And The Heritage Orchestra - 2011)

Yeah, yeah...
If I didn't have you
Yeah

If I didn't have you to hold me tight
(If I didn't have you)
If I didn't have you to lie with at night
(When I'm feeling blue)
If I didn't have you to share my sighs
(Share my sighs)
And to kiss me and dry my tears when I cry

Well I
Really think that I would
Have somebody else

(If I didn't have you)
If I didn't have you
Someone else would do

Your love is one in a million
(One in a million)
You couldn't buy it at any price
(Can't buy love)
But of the nine-point-nine-nine-nine-hundred-thousand other possible loves
Statistically, some of them would be equally nice
(Equally nice)

Or maybe not as nice but, say, smarter than you
Or dumber but better at sport or... fucking... tracing?

I'm just saying
I really think that I would
Probably
Have somebody else
(If I didn't have you)
If I didn't have you someone else would do
(Someone else would surely do)

If I were a rich man
Fiddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle dee
I guess I would be with a surgeon or a model
Or a rellie of the royals or a Kennedy
Or a nymphomaniacal exhibitionist heiress
To a large chain of hotels

If I were a rich man, maybe I would fiddle
Fiddle diddle diddle with the rich man girls

I'm not saying that I'd not love you
If I was wealthy or handsome
But realistically, there's lots of fish in the sea
And if I had a different rod, I would conceivably land some

Even though I am fiscally consistently pitiable
And considerably less 'Brad Pitt' than 'Brad pitiful'
Am I really so poor and ugly that you think
Only you could possibly love me?

And I
Really think that I would
Probably
Have somebody else

(If I didn't have you)
If I didn't have you someone else would do
(Someone else would surely do)

Look, I'm not undervaluing what we've got when I say
That, given the role chaos inevitably plays
In the inherently flawed notion of fate
It's abstruse to deduce that I found my soulmate
At the age of 17
It's just mathematically unlikely that at a university in Perth
I happened to stumble on the one girl on Earth
Specifically designed for me

And if I may conjecture a further objection
Love is nothing to do with destined perfection
The connection is strengthened
The affection simply grows over time

Like a flower
Or a mushroom
Or a guinea pig
Or a vine
Or a sponge
Or bigotry
...or a banana

And love is made more powerful
By the ongoing drama of shared experience
And the synergy of a kind of symbiotic empathy, or something

So I trust it would go without saying
That I would feel really very sad
If tomorrow you were to fall off something high
Or catch something bad
But I'm just saying
I don't think you're special
I mean, I think you're special
But, you fall within a bell curve

I mean, I'm just saying I
Really think that I would
Probably
Have somebody else

I think you are unique and beautiful
You make me happy just by being around
(Just being around)
But objectively you would have to agree
That baby when I found you
Options were relatively thin on the ground
(Thin on the ground)
You're lovely but there must be girls as lovely as you
Or maybe more open to spanking, or table tennis...

I'm just saying
That I think that I would
Probably
Have somebody else

I mean I reckon it's pretty likely that if for example
My first girlfriend, Jackie, hadn't dumped me
After I kissed Winston's ex-girlfriend Neah
At Steph's party back in 1993

Enough variables would probably have been altered
By the absence of that event
To have meant the advent
Of a tangential narrative in which we don't meet

Which is to say there exists a theoretical
Hypothetical parallel life
Where what is is not as it is
And I am not your husband and you are not my wife

And I am a stuntman living in LA
Married to a small blonde Portuguese skier
Who when she's not training
Does abstract painting
Practises yoga
And brews her own beer

And really likes making home movies
And suffers neck down alopecia

But with all my heart and all my mind
I know one thing is true
I have just one life and just one love
And my love, that love is you
And if it wasn't for you
Darling, you
I really think that I would
Possibly
Have somebody else

If I didn't have you
If I didn't have you
Someone else would do
Someone else would surely do