The Mystic Crystal

(album: The Prophecy - 2020)

[Chapter I Overture]

Long ago and far away
In labyrinths of coral caves
A mystic crystal was forged in glass
From magic or some shit like that
Its powers had been used for good
And all men lived in brotherhood
Until the Necromancer came
Upon his steed of bones and flame

His prism eyes with evil gleamed
He stole the crystal, then he screamed
"Now gods and men and all between
Shall blow my necromancing schween!"
The knights and nobles of the land
Did all they could to stay his hand
Yet not a single blow was struck
Alas! For he was strong as fuck

He grabbed the princess from her throne
And trapped her in the crystal stone
The king called in his wizards three
And begged them brokenheartedly
"Search the forests, search the seas
Search time and all realities
Two champions are what I need
To bring my daughter back to me"

"Yes, my king, it shall be done"
The wizards said, and so begun
A wondrous spell that soon would find
The greatest men in space and time
And that's where our story begins
And Danny and Brian come in
There is no quest from which they'd flee
But right now they're in New Jersey

[Chapter II The Pleasure Orb]

[Danny:]
Hey, Ninja Brian, is that a mystic space portal behind you?
Oh, shit!

[Chapter III Danny's Soliloquy]

[Danny:]
We woke up in a foreign land
Inside a castle, oh so grand
And there atop a throne of gold
Arose the king, so gross and old

[King:]
I've called you from the great beyond
To save my daughter, hot and blonde
You've sailed across the sky and stars
The gods have brought you here unharmed

[Danny:]
Actually, your majesty
You just sucked us through 26 dimensions of space and time
And I've gotta be completely honest with you
My arms are broken
And I don't know why my chest is smoking

[King:]
I will heal you with my staff
I'm sure we'll look back on this and laugh
Now go, ride t'ward the sun
Atop these noble steeds
You're our spandex heroes
Now fulfill your destinies

[Danny:]
And so we turned and rode
Beyond the castle walls
With shining codpiece armor
That doth cradled our chivalrous balls

The sky grew dark and the road was narrow
But I knew we'd never be led astray
Brian brought his magic arrows
They were blessed to light our righteous way

Ah, Brian, do you think you could please warn me before you're about to light our righteous way?
Oh, God! Alright fine! Whatever man
Let's ride!

[Chapter IV The Crossroads of Dragonbarf]

The trees were twisted and the air was thick
'Twas clear his domain was as evil as dick
We passed through the gloom of the Forest of Fear
Then the Pits of Disgust and the Dark Swamp of Tears
Then off in the distance, so clear
The cold grey peak of Mount Nasty appeared
Past the Fields of Annoyance and Dragon Barf Junction
And the treacherous Cliffs of Erectile Dysfunction
Now Brian has erectile dysfunction
Only Brian, though
I know, it's weird

We arrived at the evil one's hall
And dismounted our trusty steeds with resolve
We hugged them goodbye and promised we'd never quit
Then they ran straight away for they gave not a shit
Moonlight rose over the door
Lit all of the jewels and the skulls on the floor
We felt no terror as we entered the cave
Unless the Bells of Doom tolled, we knew we'd be safe
We knew we'd be safe
We knew we'd be sa—
Oh, fuck

[Chapter V At The Peak of Mt. Nasty]

Colored gemstones lit up the wall
They formed a rainbow trail up to a giant waterfall
And there, the Necromancer grinned, the princess stood frozen
Yet still so hot beside him (damn...)

Then I heard a voice in my mind
'Twas the princess, she said, "Danny, your heart is kind
Only light can stop dark."
I knew what she spoke of
To defeat the Necromancer I had to use love

Stand back, Brian, I'm going to hug him!

He immediately shattered both my legs
And threw me across the room
"I probably should have brought some weapons,"
I thought as I flew
Then Ninja Brian picked me up
Because he's a good friend
Then he used my body like a club
To beat our enemy to death

I should have been in more pain
Than could ever be spoken
Luckily, I felt nothing
Because my back was totes broken
Oh, the Necromancer was dead
And the Crystal broke in three
I looked up into the light and saw
The princess was now free

Brian, she's so beautiful! Roll me to her!

[Chapter VI Lovenut Meadows]

We journeyed gladly toward the king
His lands now green with the life of spring
He leapt up and wept at the sight
Of his girl as she carried me through the night
"Heal this man, wizards", he cried with delight
Which they did, goddamn, they keep their magic game tight
But sadly it was time to leave
So the king said, "Fix Brian's ED."
And hooray for Ninja Sex Party

[Chapter VII Huzzah!]

Look, Ninja Brian, the portal back home is opening!

Now fare thee well
It seems that our journey is at an end
We will be here
If you should ever need our help again
We walked away
But stopped and turned before we took our last step
Brian killed a guy
Real quick, to make sure he maintained his rep
We all have our battles to fight
And a crystal cage to break through in our lives
But when hope is gone
We will be there to help you, rock the fuck on