I Hope I Sell A Lot Of Records At Christmastime

(album: Last Of The Great 20th Century Composers - 2004)

Ah yo Santa let's get something clear
I'm half Jewish I shouldn't even be talkin about this time of year
But I'm near tears tryin to fund my record label career
While everyone drinks beer like they at Cheers
Makin Nintendo bets
on debts from bad rekkid deals for real I'm probably next
I'm here sweatin my ass off, it's July
But by the time this comes out I'll be behind my release schedule and
Mariah Christmas will be selling out why?
I never did nothin bad to nobody
I'm still friends with all my Ex's who stole money (Aw honey)
Don't aw honey me Just give me the money please
One of those cards with a pocket for cash
A big stash or check to cash I'll snatch it
before you realize you acted rash and come at me all mad
I've been good, well pretty good, at least in my mind
Please let me sell a lot of records at Christmastime

[CHORUS]
Lalala La La La La
There's one Christmas Star
Princess Superstar!
Ho Ho Ho!
Who you calling a Ho?

Look, I'm too poor to afford
life size cut out cardboard of me poured into a size 4
With a floppy Santa hat on the record store floor
Want ace product placement listenin station so while I'm on vacation
I got my face on Raisin Brans round the nation
I'm impatient need my wax to sell by the cases
Like Mase's in God's good graces I'll be gracious
Just let me retire with his wages
I'm not aimless I wanna be A-list
Hang out with someone famous
then my friends and I would all have someone to date us
Like Tom Hanks, Billy Blanks, Shabba Ranks or any of the Franks
Stallone, Purdue, Avalon, or Delanor Roo
Bill Gates too-(Ew) It's true, all I gotta do is sell through
Go on tour then put out a live record real quick like Frampton or Badu
I got a cold, it's gonna be Xmas soon and I'm getting old
Hi Tower? Hi it's me again, how many units we sold?
You mean we didn't go platinum or like gold?
(Beep beep) Oh that's my Rolls
Yo wait I'm on a payphone please don't even try to put me on hold!!

[CHORUS]

Ok you're all listening to my song that's a good sign
So either you bought it, it's on the radio
or your friend is sayin ha ha listen to this funny song
That's fine
But if that's the case don't even think about the blank tape
Take a date with your lazy ass go to Virgin or Other Music they close late
And in case you don't make it visit my website blah blah dot com
See old sexy pictures of me
order my record and buy the clean version for your mom
Santa, just one hit, one seasonal favorite
One tear jerker piece of commercial shit
for the ages or just enough to get an agent
Watch how fast I'd sell out, get the cash get the hell out
Be on VH-1 Where are They Now Eating filet mignons by the pound
Round baby, Fat and getting down baby
No need to fit in fancy clothes now
Hey get the Camera crews off my grounds!
Call me flash in the pan, the blonde chick who thought she could rhyme
Please, just let me sell a lot of records at Christmastime!