Literal Assassin's Creed: Black Flag

Stargate, Sparkle, Ubisoft.
Nod at the boat and people die.
Everywhere people die.
(That's a callback)
This is the longest he's ever gone
Without killing anyone.
He wonders if his future son
Will carry out the tradition
Of killing everyone he sees.
It's his lunch break luckily.
Toast of Equality!
Hurry with the toast,
There's a drunken hot girl
Walking to the right!
Bet she'd love to see a fight...
Bad guy music begins
As the ponytail twins barge in.
Look down on the people
That you're better than.
Ominous orchestral note,
Time to let the patrons know:
Happy Hour's over.
Time for everything to suck.
Mysterious hooded man watches
(from a distance)
Take a second to sober up.
(low tolerance)
Target confirmed.
Hooded man turns.
Bandana man sees hooded man's
Subtle arm movement signal,
Which tells him to go make a toast
With the people.
And then he lets all of them know...
It was a toast TO DEATH!
You shouldn't toast before you know
What the toast is for.
Bear hug, head bash, bottle smash.
Slow-mo person pass.
Stab face. Again and again and again.
Another wine bottle pass in slow motion
Hooded man feels good –
Hey! Don't touch the hood.
If you try to stab the hoodless man,
He'll stab you in the abdomen, man.
And steal your wallet. Duh.
LOOK RIGHT!
Colonial running shoe commercial.
They thought they could catch the boat...
Not even close.
Captain walk to the edge of the dock,
SNAP TURN.
Let's go chase that freaking boat
Sailed by Heath Ledger's ancestor.
Celebrate, sail into the sunset, fade.
The captain's not about to let the
Bird-bow-boat get away.
Gimme that telescope. Give it!
Use the mini telescope,
Aim the cannon at the boat.
Shoot four, only two go through –
Maybe two were blanks?
Strike a pose, Edward turns the boat.
Red cloaked captain probably should've
Let that bird boat go...
OH NO!
Cannon's not shooting blanks anymore.
DARKNESS!
Murder-Hood goes on.
Inception Bwahhh.
Someone's gonna get splinters,
And second-hand smoke!
I'm just saying, be careful.
WATCH OUT FOR THE HOOKS! OOH!
Shoulda listened! Edward wants to ascend.
Shoot your gun to cut the rope
Just to make it difficult.
Flying up to run away,
No more murdering today...NOT!
Can't believe they bought that.
Same thing goes for all their hats.
I prefer my Murder-Hood.
People die 'cause I look so good.
D-rop the pistols, throw a stick.
His friend makes sure his death is quick.
Guess I'll do the same for you,
(assuming you want me to)
This is gonna end badly for you.
It already has for your crew.
Listen, I'll give you some free ones.
DEHHH! DAHH!
Convincing enough?
Look you disarmed me!
Now I am completely defenseless...
(gasp) NOT!
Booyah.
Last words: Port or Starboard?
Assassin's Creed IV: Black Flag
Cut to Kenway's boat sitting in a bay.
Ever since I got this diamond filled with DNA,
It feels like someone's watching me.
DELICIA