Party Dog

(album: Big Dumb Idiot - 2022)

I didn't come to your party to talk about boring shit
(I don't care about the weather baby)
I didn't come to your party to eat all your chips and dip
(But I might just anyway)
I did not RSVP so your new boyfriend could get to know me
Everybody at the party has a job
Mine is to pat that motherfucking party dog

Gotta get it gotta pat that dog
In your bedroom with no one else around
And if your roommate walks in, I say
Fuck off
This is dog pat town
And you don't have a passport
He say something dumb like
"I don't need a passport for municipal interstate travel"
This is a sovereign city state
Like the Vatican

Gotta get it gotta pat that dog
And I'm the Pope of patting
Party Dog
Party Dog
Highly plosive, pious on that Pope shit
Pope of patting party dog that's my job
Check the census you will see a big
F-f-fat fresco painted o' me
With the big Pope hat at the back of a party
One hand full of dip and one hand full of corgi

Gotta get it gotta pat that dog
So kiss the ring motherfucker and I'll let you stay
And pat this dog with me
In the backroom of this weak ass party
But don't you dare try to talk to me
While we pat this dog and your roommate agrees
Silently we pat in harmony
Until I say "Craig"
"My name's Tim"
"Get this dog some cheese, Craig"

Ooh, it's dog and I alone again
Don't speak, you don't have to say it
We both hate Craig
God damn it
He pats too hard
He pats too fast
He's a drug addict
He tried to sell me meth

I'm the Pope of patting party dog, even Craig knows
But the motherfucker thinks that he's the Camerlengo
That's the mofo who takes over the Pope show if the Pope dies
Also
Googling what Camerlengo means leads me to the
(Wikipedia of the Vatican)
And it says the Vatican has no immigration
No passport necessary
Fuck
Now my Pope metaphor
Sucks

The Vatican has an open border policy
With the rest of Italy
(Wikipedia of the Vatican)
Where did I go wrong?
(Wikipedia of the Vatican)
Why are you in this song, why are you here?
(Wikipedia of the Vatican)
I'm done being told what I'm allowed to be
By a fucking wiki
(Wikipedia of the Vatican)

I didn't come to your party to talk about boring shit
(I don't care about the weather baby)
I didn't come to your party to be told how to live my life
By a god damn website
I did not RSVP to be shamed by an encyclopaedia
Everybody at the party has a job
Mine is to pat that motherfucking party dog

Gotta get it gotta pat that dog