Lesley

(album: Psychodrama - 2019)

Look, they say the universe
It works in a strange way
And it must be true
Because we ain't from the same background
Or same place
But me and Leslie ended up on that same train
I'm talking every day
I used to wake up around seven or eight
To catch the 9:06 to Norbury station
Two different worlds in the same location
One day we ended up speaking
And I would talk about college
She would talk about meetings
And how she's planning on leaving
How she hates what she does
But she needs it
I asked her what she would do when it's the weekend
But she said, she said

"I don't know myself
I don't know myself no more"

She used to be the life of the party, for true
And now she going out hardly ever
Her man got her in the yard forever
And her friends wanna help
But it's hard to tell her
Hard to let her know that her man's possessive
And aggressive
And she can't even see it
But for them it's clear as day she's in a situation
Her friend Hannah had a friend that was manipulative
So she can see it from a mile off
Turtle-neck jumpers, make-up around the eye spots
All the signs were there
But Leslie made it seem a light affair
Said it wasn't right to share
Her boyfriend was a mystery man
I didn't know much about him
But he's been in the can
Name's Jason, he's a bad boy with no reasoning
To be honest, I don't know what Les sees in him
'Cause she's a good girl with a sweet heart
But they both got demons in the deep past
You know opposites attract, apparently
Never heard her talk about her family ever, uh-uh
He was all that she had
Until they had an argument and he stopped calling her back
And I don't know if there was more to the story than that
'Cause she plays things down
But according to that
He went missing one day in the morning, he ran
She's doing over-time, struggling affording a flat
'Til she lost her job, it fucked all of her plans
Couldn't pay the rent
Borrowing and calling for cash
But Hannah, she was there for her
Cared for her
When I saw Les, she told me

"I don't know myself
I don't know myself no more"

Les saying "I got nothing to live for
It's been raw but, David, I ain't ever been this poor
There's no income, my boyfriend left me
So how the fuck am I gonna survive when this kid's born"
And I said, "It's a blessing, as mad as it is
And, Les, I never even knew that you were having a kid"
Bro, she's four months pregnant
Young and neglected
Single, but I don't think she wants to accept it
So she's still texting exes
Tryna get this back on track
But I don't think that she gets it
It's emotional obsession
Clinical depression
"Life is a lesson
You ain't gotta sit and cry
And, Leslie, living in this gift called life
There's no better gift than the gift of life
So, can you handle it?"

"I don't know myself
I don't know myself no more"

But that changed here perspective
Late in December, her baby's expected to drop
She's accepted, excited, electric, pumped
Only gotta wait a few months
Her and Hannah had lunch
Told her she's pregnant
And they're the closest of bredren
So she didn't stop to tell her
I think that's it's an error
You ain't a mum for a day, you're a mum forever
Whatever, and you and Jason break up whenever
If I'm honest, that's something you shoulda done together
She doesn't know that her and Jason going out again
And Jason doesn't know that Leslie's carrying a child for them
She had daydreams of settling down with Jason
Better 'cause now they're together it's wild
Feeling like she needs to call her friends and tell 'em
'Cause, while she's letting 'em down, but most of them are never around
She calls Hannah the next day
Still tryna figure out the best way
To tell her that she's getting back together with her ex flame
So she left her a voicemail
Like "Yo, Hannah, it's Les
Can you call me back?
I wanna talk about the baby
You, me, Jason, all of that
I been feeling like I need to get my aura back
I used to be so fucking confident
But these days, I swear that

I don't know myself
I don't know myself no more"

It's 3:30
Leslie was meant to get a scan
But today I think she's going home early
Tryna talk to Jason, tell him 'bout the kid
Addressing any reservations
Have that conversation
Middle of the summer and it's raining
Waiting at the train station
Hella cancellations, so she gets a taxi
Sitting in the back seat
Blue jean jacket and a maxi
Actually tired and her legs are aching
Touched her destination
Way faster that the cab driver's estimation
She put the key in the door
She couldn't believe what she see on the floor
Some size-five trainers
Raging, tears in her eyes, but it's cool
'Cause they must be the neighbour's
And Jason's in the bedroom, fully naked
Leslie running up the stairs but she's making noise
And she can hear Jason's voice saying
"Hide in the closet"
But he's made his choice
So she bursts in
Saying, "What kind of person
Would cheat on his pregnant girlfriend?"
Jason saying, "What the fuck? You're pregnant?
What the fuck? You weren't even gonna tell me
I mean, what the fuck
What d'you want from us?
Nah, you ain't in love
You just wanna love
Leslie telling Jason, "I don't want our love
I don't want a you-and-I, I don't want a us
And also, I don't wanna talk loads
One more line, before I dash like Morse code
Open the wardrobe"
And Jason's on the edge
"I just wanna see if she was prettier than me
Slimmer than me
Maybe your baby's similar to me
Maybe you wanted someone thicker than me
Fitter than me
To satisfy you quicker than me
I got your baby in my stomach and you did this to me
What did I ever do to you for you to finish with me?
I didn't believe my girls, but they were thinking of me
And give it to me, the wardrobe, give me the key"
I was pulling at the door, but Jason's bigger than me
Literally, I remember viscerally
Jason pulling from behind me, now he's gripping on me
White flashes, eye gashes, he's hitting me, see
I just wanted to disappear, I wasn't living for me
Physically, I shut the fucking doors, quick as could be
He's outside, asking why I made him do what he did
Using a kick to open up the room that I'm in
I'm feeling afraid, barricaded with a chair in the handle
I'm hearing sirens, I just wanna run away, but I can't
Jason's gone by the time police have come
And they saw that there ain't no one else in the house
The feds are running through the door, shouting
"We have reports of an argument with a woman
There's blood all over the floor
And it's splattered onto the wall
Leslie's on the bed and she's tryna speak to the feds
She's deep in the stress and there's metres above her head
If anything
She couldn't even say anything
But she's got this really sharp pain where her belly is
So they call an ambulance
Leslie even had planned for this
Police are in the room tryna find the missing piece of the puzzle
Until they stumble on something that's kinda random
It's a phone
In the wardrobe
It had five missed calls from Jason
And also a couple other numbers
So they're thinking that it's no help
Until they play the voicemail
Like "Yo, Hannah, it's Les
Can you call me back?
I wanna talk about the baby
You, me, Jason, all of that
I been feeling like I need to get my aura back
I used to be so fucking confident
But these days, I swear that

I don't know myself
I don't know myself no more"

She felt sick to her stomach, she started panicking
Mind rattling
Tryna understand what Hannah did
Battling the shame, 'cause the situation embarrassing
Tryna fathom it
Betrayed by her own garrison
Meanwhile, she's on the deck
Tryna manage this piercing pain in her stomach
She couldn't handle it
Now she's waiting for an ambulance

And I know she's strong
But when I heard about what happened I was overshocked
Her nose was gone, her jawline shattered and rot
They said her baby was the reason she was holding on
She's dozing off
Doctors getting no response
Her heart rate's slowing down and they don't know what's wrong
Picked her up, got her out of the home
And on to the stretcher for good measure
But she's fading out
She took damage to the brain
And now she's in a coma as we speak
But I ain't sure if she can make it out
You see, this time that I'm taking out to tell you the story
Is more that a song or track
It's a message to a woman with a toxic man
I'm begging you to get support if you're lost or trapped
I understand that I can never understand
And I ain't saying that it's easy
But it must be right
Some of your sisters, aunties, mums or wives are fucked inside
And they won't ever touch on why
I'm touched, 'cause I've seen women that are loved or liked
Cry a little red tear for a bloodshot eye
This shit's awful
No matter what culture, it ain't normal
Men try and twist it and make it seem like it's your fault
In that train full of people that you're taking
How many Leslies are running from their Jasons?

Angel without wings
Like the day without the night
To bring her peace
A song without a voice
A spark without a flame
A child without a name
Oh it's just wrong

Like an ocean without a shore
A soldier without a war
How can we do this anymore?
A song without a voice
A spark without a flame
A child without a name
Oh it's just wrong

Well, we've made a massive amount
Of progress in this last year, haven't we?
Feels like a long journey
And I must say
It's been a pleasure
To watch you mature and grow
In thought and in your career and life
You've opened up immensely
I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't miss these sessions
But you know, you can never stop learning about yourself
So you're always welcome
I'm just happy you're at a place now
Where you feel you understand your emotions
And are in control