Settling/When I Awaken

(album: The Lost Tapes - 2017)

I know that I'll get through it
But I'm having a hard time
I'm back inside the room I once left
And now there's nowhere left to hide
From my own mind

I'm settling back in
But I ain't sure I'm one who likes
Settling

So for now I will pretend

When I awaken, I am vacant
Personless, a slug
A fungus, a canvas, a rug
Limbs upon bone and blood
Tissue and muscle sore
From the day before
A mindless body bag
That begs to stay at rest

Then suddenly in a short moment
That familiar survival ping,
Trained to associate with the lessons of my memory
Convinces me, abruptly
That I am a personality
Held accountable to a life
That I don't have a chance to choose to be

LoyalTy to lists of responsibilTies
Become the map to a mirage of productTivity
A web of many hours that write up a story
That I remind myself each morning, and suddenly

And suddenly
The tasks begin
The friends march in
The options for breakfast breed the same indecision
My clothes are a fossil of predisposition
And like so many, money becomes my religion

The story of who I am
The one I've been taught
This path that I'm on
The parts that I bought
I follow it fiercely, I swallow it up
In the seconds through which I decide to wake up

In mere quick whips,
I relearn behaviors long associated with my ego
Voices and talents,
Ways I've learned or practiced throughout the years
Choices and habits,
Facts, doubts, and fears.
It all rushes back.
Like blood post-turnakit.
And right away I forget I forgot all of it ever at all

I become Ryan, the formed thing
The Crafted identity
Ryan. What people rely on.
Loyalty
Responsibility becomes my name.

Could I be a recluse on constant vacation?
Live in a cave or a subway station?
Decide to only survive the day I face

And what does that do the people I'm tied to?
Who'd worry and sooner decide for some kind of intervention
To tell me I'm wrong and they're right
And despite all the science I'm not just a slug or a fungus or rug
I'm not just a body bag born from the mud
And I'd say that they're wrong
I'd say it but still go along
I'd say it but still go along

I'd say it but still go along

I know that I'll get through it
But I'm having a hard time
I'm back inside the room I once left
With all the clothes I'd left behind

But I'll be fine
I'm settling back in
But I ain't sure I'm one who likes
Settling

So for now I will pretend