Rocky

(album: Turtleneck & Chain - 2011)

Here's a little story that I think you'll like
It's not about Shaq or Iron Mike
So buckle your seatbelts, it's gonna get choppy
And listen to the tale of the time I fought Rocky

One day me and all my friends were hanging
Talking 'bout which of the girls was most banging
Then one friend says, "You know who's really tough?
"Rocky," (hit me home) "the boxer." Man,

I said, "Yeah I know him. What about him?" He said,
"He's really tough." "No way, man. I'm calling your bluff
"I think that I can take him and, to prove my point,
"I'll challenge him in public." (Yeah, that's the joint!)

So the very next day, stayed true to my word
And I snuck on T.V. so I could be heard
I said, 'Rocky, if you're out there, I think you're a nerd.
"And I'll lick you and bury you like a dog turd!"

I got kicked out, but the candle was lit
'Cause the people had to know if my claim was legit
It made the headlines and I got the call
It was Rocky ("Hey") and he wanted to brawl

We negotiated terms and set the date
Then I went into training to add some muscle weight
While I punched on meat in a rickety shack
He was sipping on wine, having models rub his back

At the weigh-in, boy the tension was high
Me and Rock, toe-to-toe and eye-to-eye
I talked some trash, we got pulled apart
I shot him one last look to strike fear in his heart

Skip ahead, the big night was finally here
My body was ripped and my mind was clear
We entered the arena to the roar of the crowd
People chanting my name I never felt so proud

Faced off once more in the center of the ring
Touched gloves, said a prayer and the bell went *ding*
He hit me with a left and shattered my face
And a right sent my teeth all over the place

Then another great punch caved-in my eye socket
He broke my jaw and my trainer yelled, "Stop it!"
But nobody heard him and he crushed my ribs
Blood sprayed off my face and onto some kids

They yelled out, "More!" and Rocky obliged
I had to think of some way to turn the tides
So I leaned back to hit him with all of my might
Took a swing, but he caught me with a sucker punch right

Then a sucker punch left and a sucker punch right
Then twenty-two consecutive sucker punch rights
He tore off my arms and beat me with 'em
Then threw acid in my face which obscured my vision

He kicked me in the leg and fractured my shin
The bone splinters shot right out of my skin
People barfed in the crowd; they were going insane
And Rocky punched my nose-bone into my brain

I was quivering and twitching when I soiled my shorts
Then Rocky pissed on me (customary in sports)
The doctor came out and pronounced me dead
And that was the night I fought Rocky