Can He Love You Half As Much As I

Well you say you're getting married and your fiancee is a jewel
Graduated summa cum laude from a big north eastern school
Has a doctorate in Physics and a masters in Phys Ed
Was the captain of the football team, there's not a book he hasn't read

Well sure, but can he: eee-ahhh-eee-ooo, and can he play the spoons?
Make music with his armpits, little animals from balloons?
Can he whistle Dixie while eating crackers and covering one eye?
Can he love you half as much as I?

You say he's climbing the corporate ladder, in business he's a gem
General Motors never had a vice president as young as him
You say he wrote a computer program that saved 8 million bucks
And found a way to cut the cost on all their cars and trucks

Big deal, huh I just wanna know can he: eee-ahhh-eee-ooo, and does he have my charms?
Can he wiggle his ears, chug-a-lug beers, make a frog in your arms?
I bet he can't do this [*tppprrr*] no matter how hard he tries
Can he love you half as much as I?

You brag how he's so cultured, how he sculptures and he writes
Well did you know that now I go to culture classes every night?
I'm a devote and connoisseur of black velveteen art
I have a painting of Elvis that glows in the dark

So he makes 400,000 per and can press 300 pounds
So he drives a red Ferrari and lives on the snooty side of town
So you're gonna sail around the world on his tacky gaudy yacht
So he spends vacations working with Mother Theresa in India, so what

That kind of superficiality can wear pretty thin

I just wanna know, can he: eee-ahhh-eee, and would he wear a chicken suit?
Can he turn the toilet paper tube into Rooty Toot Toot
Can he make his face go [*click*] while crossing both his eyes
Can he love you half as much
Does he have my charm, does he have my touch?
Can he love you half as much as I?