Truce

I'm calling it quits just like how I didn't call you when my facade came crashing down
I've been walking on eggshells but lately they're starting to crack and look more like bombshells
But not the kind of subpar bombshells that broke us but the kind that end lives and yet somehow we keep on living in this back and forth hell that keeps us bound together like two parasites trying to devour each other
And I never ranted about you because that's like bringing a sword to a gunfight and I know that bullet would travel straight through the place where all those good memories of you and I lay
So I'll stay inside
I don't want to play these games
I don't want to do this
I don't want to dance around you anymore
I know it wasn't a mistake because I can only trip and fall so many times before the floor feels like a place of comfort
When I finished with another woman for the first time all I could think is FUCK not again
Not this time
Not like this
She's too special and I'm really excited about her but god dammit I'm such a coward
And I clearly can't hold onto the things worth holding onto and for that I'll never forgive myself
But what would be enough to earn your forgiveness?
Should I make peace with the world and stop teasing everyone and kill myself?
That's not a threat its a legitimate honest question
Because through all my introspection I've realized that the only way to heal is in time and self reflection itself
And everytime I hear you yelling at me for saying your name at a distance all I hear is the pain in the timbre of your voice in between those words
You told me to never write about you but some promises I clearly can't keep
And you can make fun of my art and the way I express myself but honestly it's the only way I know how to make myself a better man, or at least try to be
And if that means writing songs about you then I'll do it
But those songs aren't really about you
They're about the idea of you
And about my perception of you
And all the things I ultimately could never give you
And I know everyone's tired of hearing about this but sometimes I need catharsis to wipe the slate clean and find a place in between the black and white because there's color there
And this might be the end for us but I know you're still hurting and I'm not helping by using the pain as a personal epiphone
But its much easier to be angry and convince yourself that nothing was ever there than to hurt and to feel that pain
But pour yourself another glass of wine and rant whenever I say your name or elude to the fact that we existed together at some point in time
But don't you ever say I didn't love you because love comes in many different shapes and forms and mine was just a little more difficult to see but I did adore you, whether you believe me or not
And hearing about my antics like giving away your love scribbles might hurt but it's just an anonymous exercise in the context of sadness and emotion
And don't try to do to me what we did to onision, it's not worth it, I promise
And when they say I capitalize on your misery well then I guess every breakup song is a lie under the artifice of love
But I know you and I don't want this anymore with the streams, indirects and everything in between so I'm calling for a truce
My intent was never to make permanence seem more permanent but to express myself and I'm sorry if that sounds like I'm trying to be petty because I'm not
And that's all I've got
I know I can't fix what I've done to you but I hope the money from that ring can start to fill that void
But I don't want to start a war
I don't want to fight anymore
I'm sorry I hurt you
And I hope you can accept my apology