The Naked Mole Rap

Oi you're about to learn about
The fucking naked mole rat
Fuck all the other animals
They're old hat
I'm bringing solid gold facts
And I'm not gonna hold back
It's a whole new genre
I'ma call it naked mole rap
Check it one two, check it
One two, check it
They're not rats or moles
They're not rats or moles
But they're definitely nekkid
I know they look scarily like 'em
But they're not dicks
Dicks don't move their teeth
Independently like chopsticks
Looks can be deceiving
'Cause they're anything but soft
If they were then they probably
Wouldn't be feeding their tots shit
Or sleeping in a moshpit
Like narcoleptic rock chicks
Blinder than a bat
But they don't even need their optics
'Cause they can smell a rat
Like he just lit a joss stick
Live long in tip top condition
Hear the clock tick
You're jealous of these hairless fellas
So follow this top tip
You mess with them and it'll hurt
Like you fell on your coccyx
Unlike the puny human brain
These dudes are just immune to pain
Run straight into the fray
Like you'd do in a computer game
Who's afraid of rufous snakes
That move to break into the place
When you can take a tooth into the face
And be like, "Who's this wasteman,
Ruining the mood in our communal space?"
Like Luda says, move bitch
Get out my fooking way
Their food is basically
Just super great big new potatoes
Saying I can't communicate
How beautiful this tuber tastes
I never want to brush either tooth
Don't need a tube of paste
Plus they run the red light district
Check the zoo displays
So best watch your step in the neighborhood
Of heterocephalus glaber cuz
Or you'll be made to change your name
To a new one like Bethany Davis does
Beware 'cause they're braying for blood
And they're ready to cripple a crip
It's as if you were Dre and they're Suge
What? you thought this was,
A hereditary monarchy?
Nah, the queen hustled hard
And took over the colony
Survival of the fittest
This is what she's good at
Rising up the ranks
By fucking up the other hood rats
These OGs roll deep
Up to three hundred soldiers
Each keep to their role
In the mole fleet
But this isn't Sparta
This is modern day Somalia
So if there's pirates hearing this shit
You aren't so hard are you?
They live in massive burrows
As big as actual boroughs
They're sabre-toothed sausages
That's David fricking Attenborough
These crafty buggers
Are the only mammal packing blood
That's cold so they're literally
Cold blood bastards, that's another fact
They're as good at back up
As running forward
From the sound of it
They run the underground
That's blooming baller
Let me tell you something awful
Old age is coming for you
And it's unavoidable for us
But your boys are immortal
Oxygen's an option
They can take it or leave it
They safely respirate
In places apes couldn't breathe in
And have you ever seen
A naked mole rat getting cancer?
No you haven't so don't try
To give a different answer
Have you ever had the thought
How the name "naked mole rats"
Sounds like a Kevin Smith parody
With an adult cast
Mother nature baked these babies
Up on full blast
And any lame attempt to be greater
Than them'll fall flat
So fucking fall back fool
Before you feel the full wrath
Of the motherfucking
Buck naked mole rats

This is a rap
About the naked mole rat
In case you didn't know already
And so I guess that
I just have to name it
The naked mole rap
It's a pun

This is a rap
About the naked mole rat
That's fairly obvious
And so I guess that
I just have to name it
The naked mole rap
The naked mole rap