I Don't Wanna

(álbum: Buried Alive - 2021)

I don't wanna shop for no black slacks
I don't wanna shop for no dress shoes
I don't wanna shop for a black tie
I don't wanna shop for a black suit
I don't wanna hear a bunch of phone calls
I don't wanna hear a "I'm sorry for your loss"
I don't wanna see a bunch of people contacting me
Acting like they even cared at all
I don't wanna see a bunch of RIPs
Filling up another Facebook feed
I don't wanna another text from a fake friend saying that they're thinking of me
I don't want my name in no newspaper
I don't wanna meet another caretaker
I don't want another conversation with someone that's telling me, "God's plan is greater"
I don't want another 3-day event
I don't want no more sadness to pay ding
I don't want another body to identify on the table that is stainless
I don't want another plot I have to pick
I don't want another hearse I have to rent
I don't want another verse from the Bible that the pastor keeps drilling inside of my head
I don't want another visitation to attend
Waiting for the service to begin
Knowing half that audience is only there to give a wreath and leave in a 3-day weekend
I don't wanna have to have another flower pinned to my chest for the moment
Knowing that I have to place it on the blanket of the casket as we take it to the grave to lower
I don't wanna be another pallbearer
I don't wanna see my father fall in tears
I don't wanna smell the fragrance of the flowers at the funeral home as I bow and pray
I don't want another front row seat
I don't wanna hear another eulogy
I don't wanna listen to the pastor tell me stories of the person right in front of me
I don't wanna touch another cold hand
I don't wanna say that I don't understand
I don't wanna hear that that's the shell of a person that I once loved on a casket stand
I don't wanna see a bunch of old pictures
Reminiscing on the top ten missing
Looking around through these watery eyes for attention to stop them from dripping
I don't wanna have to listen to another sermon
I can't pay attention 'cause my heart is hurting
Knowing that I'll never ever see them again
And this pain that I have is eternal
I don't wanna hear another organ play another sad song like "Amazing Grace"
Or "Go Rest High On That Mountain" while I'm shouting
Asking why He couldn't let 'em stay
I don't wanna lock arms with my older brother, standing over atop a corpse
I don't wanna say no more last words as they close the casket door
I don't wanna feel the dead weight in my hands as we pick up the body on the count of three
Knowing that the person that I loved my entire life is lying next to me
I don't wanna load another loved one up
I don't want another purple flag in my truck
I don't want another funeral procession driving through the town, messing traffic up
I don't wanna make another right turn
Going through the cemetery gates
Only seeing just a handful of my family members show up at the wake
I don't wanna have to pull another casket from the back of the hearse as I'm fighting back crying
And carry it right to the burial sight
And then sit at the side while everyone is silent
And watch as they drop the casket in the ground
Slowly now to six feet down
And look around as we all cry and we all say our final goodbyes
I don't wanna watch 'em pour the dirt on
I don't wanna accept that they're really gone
I don't wanna forget that they ever existed
Acting like my life will continue on
I don't wanna see the time go fast
And watch the straw on their graves grow into grass
Slowly thinking less and less about them while they lay alone under a stone plaque
I just saying that I need some answers
Something that can make some sense of this
Something that can put my mind at ease
Something that gives me a reason to live
Until then, I'm just out here a ghost
Steady, looking for my faith
Forever searching for my soul
But I feel like I'm walking in place