Robertson County Lock-Up Blues

(album: Wrong Songs: Musings From The Shallow End - 2023)

Well I got myself convicted, of a damned ole' DUI
They sent me down for three days in a correctional facil-i-tie
I went and I got processed, and they made me spread my cheeks
To see if there was any hidden contraband in me

Well they put me in an orange suit that made Donald Trump look white
Put me in a cell with shooters, and stabbers, and rappers, and the like
I realized I wasn't no more human than them damn guilty fools
So I settled in with ten new friends on cell block twenty two

Well an example of hell it's a prison cell is damn hard to describe
It was worse than I imagined, hell I almost cried
It's mainly cause of what they were calling food I had to eat
Funky applesauce in a plastic trough and a mystery roadkill meat

After three rounds of that awful slop, I laid down for the night
And this ole corn fed country boys fat belly wasn't feeling right
So I lifted up in my metal bunk and I tried to expel some gas
But the results of that uncareful act were not what I had planned

At the Robertson County Penitentiary
Yeah, that's right where the bottom was for me
Son you might have bad days and you might think you've been to hell
But bro you ain't seen low until you've shit your pants in jail

Well after that scare, my underwear were of no damn use to me
So I got up and I slipped 'em off all careful and discreet
I threw 'em in a random garbage can out there where we played cards
From then on, I've gone commando in my neon prison garb

Next day were sitting round and we were talking prisoner shit
About fly rap songs and getting it on with loose and crazy chicks
Some ole boy threw some trash and missed that same damn garbage pail
Where my Fruit-Of-The Looms and been strewn conspicuous as hell

He walked to the can and picked up his trash and he dropped it in
And then he yelled out "Hey ya'll, whose damn nasty drawers is this?"
Then he fished 'em out and he held 'em up for every man to see
Then they all looked at each other, then they all looked at me

Well all at once I felt like I'd been busted all over again
And it's a humbling damn experience getting called out by jail birds man
So now I call myself an Uber if I get over served with Jack
Cause there ain't no freaking way in hell I'm ever going back

At the Robertson County Penitentiary
Yeah, that's right where the bottom was for me
You mighta' had bad days and you might think you've been to hell
But bro you ain't seen low until you've shit your pants in jail
Naw bro you ain't seen low until you've shit your pants... in jail

It's a very sneaky situation