The Woodbridge Dog Disaster

(album: From Coffee House To Concert Hall - 1999)

There was an old woman in Woodbridge there was
So proper and tidy and all of them things
She would wander all day with her duster in hand
She was one of those women who clean where they stand
And while she is at it she sings, boys
And while she is at it she sings
(And you sing too)

Now there's no doubt about it her house was a show
With everything proper and stowed in its place
And that's why her dustbins had a shed of their own
Like a mirror each one of those bins it had grown
You could read every line in your face, boys
You could read every line in your face

Now there's nothing the matter with tidiness, no
No matter with keeping your house up to scratch
But these bins were located one side of a yard
Where a Doberman Pinscher was prowling on guard
Trained to kill if you lifted the latch, boys
Trained to kill if you lifted the latch

Now it's all very well to protect what is yours
And it's better not leaving temptation around
But a job of the dust is rewarding enough
And there's nothing like taking the smooth with the rough
To be savaged by some bloody hound, boys
To be savaged by some bloody hound

Now this Doberman Pinscher would play in the yard
And a couple of old tennis balls was his game
In his make-believe game it's himself that he saw
As the world's only dog with a bionic jaw (grrr)
And that's when the garbage man came, boys
And that's when the garbage man came

Now fate took a hand on this coldest of days
For his wife she had made him to wear a warm coat
And to knot up his muffler to keep out the chill
And for once in his life he had bent to her will
And the dog couldn't get at his throat, boys
And the dog couldn't get at his throat

Now when the woman above was drawn to the noise
It's down from a high chamber window she called
To the dustman engaged in a struggle for life
In a middle class tone you could cut with a knife
She loudly exclaimed, "Kick his balls," boys
She loudly exclaimed, "Kick his balls"

Now the dustman could scarcely believe the command
But he didn't have time to request it again
So ignoring distinctions of language and class
He unleashed a size ten on the Doberman's ass
And its eyes misted over with pain, boys
And its eyes misted over with pain

Now imagine the silence that followed that blow (yelp)
With the command ringing on in the poor dustman's ears
And as the poor doggie lay writhing around
You could see the two tennis balls there on the ground (ooh)
And her meaning was rendered quite clear, boys
And her meaning was rendered quite clear

Now I'd like to explain that this dog was at stud
And the dustman was sued for the fees that he'd lost
But it's lucky he was to escape with his life
He went home with a kiss for his poor startled wife
Who harangued him for what it might cost, boys
Who harangued him for what it might cost

Now if there's a moral to be gained from this song
It's that innocent language might sometimes sound crude
And as in the case of the carpenter's mate
Your linguistic enlightenment might arrive late
And you could end up getting screwed, boys
And you could end up getting screwed