How May I Help You?

(album: The Trees Are Dead & Dried Out, Wait For Something Wild - 2003)

This is a story bout
A little man named Rod
Who did not have a mind of his own
Just went along with his pathetic lonely life.

Even when he went to school
The teacher said "jump!"
And he jumped and he jumped and he jumped
Then he fell on the floor.

Never let his feelings out
Didn't have any friends
Once he left school he hoped
This would
All change now.
But it was not to be
The world for him to see
Mercy!
Oh, mercy!

Arrrgghhhh!

He had to get a job
Wanted to go somewhere to relax for a while
He went to work on a boat as a cabin boy...

"Get on you knees and scrub the decks,
I want to see you sweating. Make sure you're
In my quarters around half past ten this evening..."

He didn't like this one bit
He got to get another job
So he jumped off the boat
And swam to shore
To work on the beach in a bar.

He met a chick working there
Just like him
Not too pretty
Not too pretty
She was sad and lonely just like him.

They went to the cinema together and then
Went back to his room, back to his room
Made sweet loving to each others only friend,
Only friend.

The night after he walked out of his room,
Heard a voice shout...

"Boy! Go pick the dead rats outta the drain!"

First day
But it's okay
From then, talks to Rodney like shit all day

But Rod, doesn't do anything, just keeps it in.

He thinks: 'fuck it! I just put up with this shit,
I got a girl and a friend, I don't need nothing else'

"How are you doing, my good man?
(As Rodney gazes at Miranda)
You like the ladies, eh?
I see you got good taste,
Miranda is very nice girl, very nice girl..."

"What's that supposed to mean?
You trying something, say it!
Very friendly girl? Very friendly girl?
What's that supposed to mean...?"

Where does he go from here?
What's going on?

"Miranda your girl?"
"Yeah, what of it?"
"She very good expressing her affection for her friends,
She my girl, your girl, everybody's girl..."

"So you're saying that you and all the
Other people that have come into this here
Bar have been with her?
But no one's come in for days,
Apart from a couple of piss-heads..."

"She had lovely tight cheeks!"

"Not after I saw to her"

Rod was furious
Rod said to Miranda...

"How could you do this to me?"
"Well, once I was with you my whole life changed!"
"So you got the confidence to disgrace yourself?"
"No longer do I want to be a slave!"
"What? What did you say?!"
Asked Miranda would she say sorry...
"You're weird, stay away from me!"

Then he put some Laxatives into her tea...
And he was on his own again...