My Bathroom Disaster (Best Idea Ever Remix)

(album: Shut Up! And Listen - 2015)

Gotta step in the bathroom super fast
To check her current Facebook dating status
To see if this is a confusing friend-zone thing
I don't want to pay if it's a friend-zone thing
But I totally will if it's a make out thing!
Might make me seem like a jerk, but whatever
This quick trip to the bathroom is the best idea ever!

Wait, it seems kinda weird to just be on my phone
I should probably just fake that I'm using a toilet
Should I fake a number one or a number two?
I'll fake a number one so I won't have to drop my pants
And I'm kind of embarrassed about my SpongeBob undies
On my phone, fake peeing, "Holy shit I'm clever!"
This quick trip to the bathroom is the best idea ever!

Oh crap, now that I'm at a urinal, I actually have to pee
Do I aim at the back wall or at the urinal cake?
Great, now I'm kinda hungry for some cake
And why is there always a random piece of gum in the bowl?
And where did that stray pubic hair come from?
Seriously, every time I use a urinal, there's one in there
Like, do people start losing their hair down there
Or did it get caught in someone's zipper and come out
Or did it– wait, why am I still talking about pubes? That's gross!
I got pee blowback on my pants! They're ruined forever
This quick trip to the bathroom might not be the best idea ever

Out of nowhere, my foot gets tapped
Maybe it's an accident and no big deal
Gotta look over and see who did it
Whatever I do, don't look at his junk
Oh crap, I looked and he's into it
Dammit, I looked again and he's even more into it
I might've just got a boyfriend who will love me forever
This quick trip to the bathroom is becoming the worst idea ever

Gotta get away from Creepy Urinal Guy
The guy next to me grunts like he's giving birth
I play a game on my phone to drown out the noise
Oh man, I forgot Flappy Bird doesn't have music
It smells like Shrek's dick in here, I need to flee
Gotta wash my hands so they don't smell like pee
What the hell? "Employees must wash hands?"
I guess I have to wait for an employee to wash my hands

Uh, hello? I guess I need an employee
Are there any employees here?

Seriously man, making noise won't help
I'm gonna leave a bad review on Yelp
Just then my date runs to the urinal
Lifts up her skirt and starts peeing like a man
I guess my date is a dude, I'm not all that clever
This quick trip to the bathroom was the worst idea ever

Then creepy urinal guy confronts my date
"I totally knew you were cheating on me!"
So I guess that creepy guy is her boyfriend
I'm super confused and it's only getting worse
Then someone who looks exactly like my date walks in
"That's my brother, my identical twin!"
All this crazy shit is making my head spin
So I pull out my gun and point it at them
"I don't know which one of you I have to shoot!"
"You don't have to shoot either of us!"
Yeah, I guess you're right, but...

"Now I guess you're totally single"
The three of us should get naked and mingle
I had the twins pay the check, I told you I was clever
This quick trip to the bathroom was the best idea ever!