I Wrote A Song Using My Old Suicide Note

To whom this may concern
My name is Richard M Giese
And I have decided to end my life tonight

This isn't an act of aggression or vengeance towards any one
I just feel like I don't have a place here anymore and I don't think I ever did
I'd prefer to choose my end before the end finds me
And I used to be so afraid to write something like this, but
I'm not scared
I'm not afraid anymore
I'm not here to prove some grand point
In order to justify why I did this or what
Was my ultimate purpose for coming into this world
Because, I've concluded that I never found my purpose
I tried my absolute hardest to push those feelings of worthlessness off of me but can't fight it anymore
I would say I'm sorry, but I'm not
This was for me and while that may sound selfish
I pushed everyone away years ago
I made it impossible for you to help

To my sister
I know we've disagreed on so many
Ideologies and fundamental core values
But you were always so respectful
And you should be proud that you're one of the good ones
Keep your head help high because
You have so much to look forward to in your remaining years
Try to understand that I fell out of touch because
I didn't know what to say, not because I didn't deeply care for you
Even though, I was the broken weird kid growing up you always had my back and you should never forget that

To my brother
I wish I didn't treat everything like a competition
We are so different yet so similar
Some of my favorite memories are waking up early and playing videogames with you
And I've used that warmth to guide me through some of my worst moments
Sometimes, I threw you under the bus
And I'll never forgive myself for that
But I hope you can forgive me
I know you always meant well and
You've built a life for yourself and
I've never been happier to see you succeed

To my father
You told me I was a degrace when your mother died
And I never really shook that
I know we've had our issues
But underneath it all I admire you so much
I hated you for such a large portion of my life
But as I grew up I realized that you always had my best interest in mind
I know you still think I'm a sociopath, and I don't blame you for coming to that conclusion
But understand that I put my walls up as a defense mechanism to protect myself
I could blame you for contributing
To my inability to let anyone in
But I know that would be a lie. You did your best and that's all I could have asked for
P.S
I'm sorry I never paid you back the $4000 for my first tour
I know the resentment grew, not because
You needed the money but because
I failed to keep my promise
You raised me to be better than that

To my mother
I know this is going to hit you the hardest
And I don't want to be anymore of a burden
I love you so fucking much
And I wish you could hold me tonight
When I take my last breath
The same way you held me in the hospital when you let me take my first
Above everyone else, you meant the most
You didn't give up on me
I know we stopped saying I love you awhile ago but I love you and your snide comments always
Came from a place of understanding
I can still remember the first time I told you I was having suicidal thoughts a decade ago
And how your voice quivered when you
Spoke about your fear of me living alone
That stayed with me and even
Though you were never affectionate
I know you care about me and
I regret not verbalizing my feelings more often
I'm asking you to please move on from my passing
And let yourself live again

Life can be so beautiful and while my memories will linger
I checked out a long time ago
I love all of you so much and I'm so sorry