Dating Tips

(album: That Handsome Devil - 2006)

People often ask me
"Godforbid" they say
"You're quite the ladies man
What's your secret?"

Well
You too can be swimming in women
Afloat in seas of ovaries
But more importantly
Knowing whether behind those pretty eyes
You have a diamond in the rough
Or colored contact lenses and a rough stripper named Diamond

Lets recreate the scene: make believe you're at a table seat
Talking playfully to the waitress at your local place to eat
Way beneath the apron, Maybeline
Smell of eggs and cheese, bacon grease
She's a babe, an 8 at least
You want to push the plate of quesadillas off the table
And spread them angel's wings
But you can't say a thing?
If you don't do well with women
They sell prescription drugs on television
May cause loss of appetite
Malnutrition, dizzy spells
And different bells were ringing
And that's where I come in and give 'em a little extra help to get 'em

(You can't get)
You see confidence is key when entering any situation
(In her pants)
We all have insecurities
So why not build your confidence on the insecurities of others?
(But you don't)
Hey, she's going to somebody
(Give a damn)
So why not you?

The drunker you are
The easier it is to get laid
But the harder it is to
You may have to picture what it is this month
Whoever you've been thinking of
The girl at the Pizza Hut
Midgets, nuns
Whatever little miss it was
And with a little hard work, a little luck
If you haven't given up
Maybe you can get it up

Now a is supposed to be fun
Instant gratification, a roller coaster
But no one wants to get stuck over and over
Going home to the roller coaster
It's hard to watch your shows
And do your homework
And when the ride you rode is over
It'll cost more than a roll of quarters

(You can't get)
So pull out
I know how warm and good it feels
(In her pants)
But its getting crowded 'round here
Please, pull out
(But you don't)
If it's not the one you want to stay with
You can avoid the face
(Give a damn)
But not the abbreviation
Taking payments from your paycheck
You can do it, pull out

Men have what I call a "Columbus Complex"
Other people may have been there
But we still want to feel like we discovered it
So don't tell the number that you done it with
Your summers in Columbia
When you were young and done a bunch of dumb-ass
Rambunctious kids
Wait for the second date to cuff the wrists
Sponges, rubber gloves, and whips, oven mitts
Now a well trimmed personal area, that's nice
But why's she so ready?
You don't suppose that she never knows
When she might show somebody?
Now think about that before you go steady
Or maybe at your own wedding

(You can't get)
If she's your girlfriend
Leave her alone with your friends
(In her pants)
Now, I don't expect no virgin
But let 'em try to screw her
If she's flirting, or she
(But you don't)
It won't work man
Get rid of her
And get yourself a new girlfriend
Remember
(Give a damn)
The currency exchange rate
At this party she's an 8
At the club a 7
At my apartment a 10
Environment dictates
The morning after
She may slip to a 3
'Cause some things are better just to lust for

(This concludes the introductory segment of the Godforbid self-help collection)

Hey, sleep with other races
Help out international relations

(For further behavioral instructions, consult the nearest strip club and/or liquor store. Thank you, and enjoy yourself)

(If it's not the one you want just let it go...)

(This is a good country filled with good people but what good is 'good' in times like these?)