Scared

(album: Psycho Therapy - 2020)

When I was 4 I was fighting for my life
They stabbed me up with needles tryna get the treatment right
I was scared I was dying like the kid the other night
Cuz he ain't get the same meds that I did on the flight
And now he's dead man that should've been me
Like what if he was that dude who coulda cured a disease
Or figured out a way to save us when the earth would deplete
Or then became the fucking president who nurtured the peace
I just don't get it cuz I ain't living my life
Man all I do is sit at home and fucking bitch when I write
Then fuck a bitch every night, instead of picking them right
Cuz in my past every girl I had was picking a fight
And it made me nervous, my circuits are shot and I don't care
I'm tryna find the words that'll surface and find air
I'm working to feel worth it I'm hurt and it's not fair
Cuz I feel like I been searching for purpose that's not there
And now I'm scared

And now I'm scared
And I don't like to talk about my feelings
Cuz the man inside the mirror got some demons
Motherfucker and I'm scared
And now I'm scared
But I been acting like I'm okay
Even though deep inside I been lost in my mind
And I'm scared

But I'm alive and well
Well, I'm alive but I'm far from well
So the doctors say I need to focus more on my health
Because I rap to help you but it ain't helping myself
I keep myself pinned down with the words that I spit
Instead of moving past pain I indulge in the shit
Look, you probably thinking it's hot
But it caused my anxiety and that shit don't stop
I can't even leave my house so I hide in my room
Cuz everybody in my town talks down on me to
They see me as a fucking rapper some delusional goon
And judge me based off every lyric not the shit that I do
And it made me pissed
I'm bitching but shit it's just not fair
I'm itching for the figures I figured its right there
The bigger picture I painted is failing to find air
Cuz the genre started changing my brain is just not there
And now I'm scared

And now I'm scared
So I don't leave my room too often
Man there's to much talk around my name
Motherfucker now I'm scared
And now I'm scared
I don't do well when I'm lonely
But I'm always by myself
And maybe that's the reason that I'm scared

For my family and friends that I made
Cuz death is just around the corner that could happen today
And shit I couldn't even fathom what my family would say
If they seen me laying dead in my casket one day
I seen my parents last week, I ain't seen them in months
Shit my mom looked nervous cuz I'm hanging with thugs
And she's scared I'll OD cuz I got into drugs
So before I thought to leave I went and gave her a hug and she latched on
Like she won't see me again
I got a feeling that the reason is the shit that I said
I tell my fans everyday that I wish I was dead
So I can finally be in peace instead of dealing with dread and it made me mad
I'm passing the pain to my own fam
I stacked all the odds in my favor to make rap
Now I'm laughing about passing and having a whole gram
Cuz I'm lacking all the passion I had and its so sad
And now I'm scared