Theodore Roosevelt vs Winston Churchill

(album: Season 5 - 2016)

[Intro:]
Epic rap battles of history!
Winston Churchill!
Versus!
Theodore Roosevelt!
Begin!

[Theodore Roosevelt:]
Bully! A challenge! I love competition!
Now where would I mount the stuffed head of a Winston?
I'm into fitness, digging ditches through an isthmus!
Rough riding down to Cuba like "What's up, Bitches?!"
I keep my rhymes pure, like my food and drugs
I'm an American stud, and you're the British Elmer Fudd!
I mean, for Christ's sake! Look at that mug!
At least grow a spruce mustache and cover part of it up!
And let's face it, you're not all that great
You tossed away lives in Gallipoli like they were scraps off your plate!
Your whole miserable country is the size of one state!
I could see my way through running that without donning my Pince-nez!
Don't go toe to toe with me, you bloated drunk old man
Why don't you Do-Si-Do on over to a 12 step program?
I'll bust a trust fund lush with my American muscles
So walk softly over here and give my big stick a suckles!

[Winston Churchill:]
Pass me a cigar and a large glass of brandy
I'm about to take you out prematurely, like your family
I'm the Rhyme Minister, fresh in a hat and dinner jacket
You look like a mix of EpicLLOYD and a Pringles packet!
I was saving the planet from an axis of darkness
While you were back home, opening national parks, yes!
You were born asthmatic, you're going to choke hard
While I wake up every day and chain smoke cigars!
I'll fight you on the beaches, I'll fight you on the beats, yes!
Any way you want to fight I'll fight ya and I'll beat ya, see?
I might be battling you even though I'm toasted
But tomorrow I'll be sober and you'll still be roasted!

[Roosevelt:]
My parents died, while they were young and it was morbid
But at least they didn't ditch me when they were alive like yours did
Oh shit! World War Too soon?
Well Teddy's dropping bombs, so you best go hide in your tube!
You should be ashamed of your military honor
Everyone knows you're back home like "Thank God for Pearl Harbor!"
Don't worry, the US will give you a pass
Just change your poster to keep calm and kiss my cousin's ass

[Churchill:]
Steady there, I don't think it's very fair
For a British bulldog to melee with a Teddy Bear
You're no man, you're an overgrown Boy Scout
I should stuff you in a pram just so you can throw your toys out!
They put your fat head on a mountain to save face
But if Rushmore was a band, then you'd play bass!
Look at Roosevelt, the dude's about to lose the bout to Churchill!
If a bullet to the chest won't stop you, my words will

[Roosevelt:]
A bullet can't stop the Bull Moose!
TR will give WC the full deuce!

[Winston:]
Whatever shit you throw at me, I'll just return to sender!
I'll battle to the end and I will never surrender!

[Outro:]
Who won?
Who's next?
You decide!
Epic rap battles of history!