Another Rape Poem (Sixteen)

(album: Grief Creature - 2019)

When I walked in
Saw your face
White teeth glint
Black t-shirt
Should have run
But I was a prize

Sixteen
Sixteen
Sixteen

I was 16 and had a boyfriend that was an idiot
Which was okay because I was also kind of an idiot
My friend and I snuck into an Army barracks late at night
She was dating an older guy who lived on the base
Suddenly I was a prize
In a building of a thousand men
Drenched in America and sweat
I'm not saying that the military raped me
I'm saying I was sixteen and I was on my period
(Black t-shirt)
There were three wolves in the bedroom who circled me
Without ever flashing their canines
Isn't rape funny like that
I have to speak in metaphor in order to get it out
In the morning
I told myself that I drank too much
And that I cheated
And that I was so sorry
And "boys will be boys"
Weaved a different story in my head
Painted it like glitter in a swamp
Forced a laugh when I said "rough sex"
I wonder how many girls have giggled while they were raped?
I bet a lot of them
(Black t-shirt
Should have run)
Sometimes when I'm washing the dishes
The hairs on my arms stand up
And somehow thought memory turns into physical memory
And I feel my body tense up at the kitchen sink
(Saw your face)
I don't know the science of that kind of thing
But I feel my eyes close, scared
And the movie plays and I softly say "no"
And I don't laugh uncomfortably this time
(Black t-shirt)
Then afterwards the fury comes like a wave of ashes
And I pretend I am the biggest, most powerful phoenix
And as my hands wrap around the coffee mug in the water
I pretend they teleport through time and space to that night
And circle around his neck
And I say no a whole fuck-ton louder than I did

I guess what I'm saying is
(Saw your face)
I don't apologize like that, anymore
(White teeth glint
Black t-shirt
Should have run
I was a prize)

When I walked in
Saw your face
White teeth glint
Black t-shirt
I should have fun
I'm not a prize