Excerpts From 'Diary Of A Contender'

Tuesday, 21/5 1985

This morning the sky hung heavy; a dirty, yellow sky that kept me in bed longer than I should have been in bed. A thunderclap, as loud as a bomb, shot me into action. I was dressed and ready to leave for the studio in ten minutes. Today, I'm in the car, for better or for worse. Not wishing to go too far into the jungle of sound we stopped. We start another path

Thursday, 23/5 1985

Deep in fear of running down the job I run into the estate. We are not late. Socks, money, shirts, photographs of loved ones, tea, book, telephone book, international driving license... We also need a day of love before we go. I speak of a spirit, as free as the wind, able to travel anywhere in the world, nay, the universe; and yet, the only place that this spirit wishes to be is home. But is this not the wish of the governing forces that are higher even than the said spirit? Even the seed blown from the tree has a predestined point; a point that must be met at some time. Paris has lost some of its romance

Thursday, 30th of May 1985

We return at dawn on Saturday; and it seems that the tunnel will not be discovered by the guards. Remorse is for the birds! We speak of a dangerous dress that the girl puts on when she finds her lover. Fear in the spring. Feeling of pleasure has been absorbed, the war is over, come home, come home, [?] but to last the heroes of an unforgotten war, we are expected to carry on as if the memory of the past was a pain which even love could not overcome. We did have too much. We have had enough. There will be more but tomorrow we'll be over the page as it always is. Help please help me

Friday, May 31st

This is where the boys took a strange turn. What was to be a simple film soundtrack turned out to be more of an ordeal. Ian, now only having one leg and laid up in a Paris hospital, was being visited by a gay black man that he'd met in a nightclub. Martyn was lost forever in the underground of Paris. This last day in Paris and my stomach is in total turmoil. My heartbeat is too fast. I cannot sit down, my thoughts revolve around only one thing, yet I cannot focus my attention at all. Is it that we have broken some unknown universal rule? Have we somehow angered a long-forgotten god? And why, why when life for so long would seem to be worth living? Must this bolt of unleashed fear be set free within my body? My mind is unclear. Am I to be set free from the prison that I am in fear of living? Time will tell us all. I know this but still a human would try to guess, or predict, or dream how it will end... a totally pointless exercise. And yet, even though I know this, I find myself reaching into the future with all my powers, which are few, to try and glimpse a single look of the end. Oh, how fucking futile the unexpected can be! Today is bright, as yesterday was dark. The brightness comes from within, but for me, my inner light is fast fading. Did I ever get a day of life? Ian is safely at home with his parents in Sheffield, Martyn is living in Amsterdam, and Glenn is alone. How often as children we played at being something we were not; now that we are grown all this play-acting must just stop, love must take over this desire to be someone or something else. We all have love to give but not all of us get given love

Tuesday, 13/7 1985

A long time, a lot done, new places have been seen, new things have been tried. Today is okay to tell the world that we are fine. All involved are fine... I think...