To Victory

(альбом: Crate Expectations - 2017)

This ballad is dedicated to the brave men and women
Who triumphantly traverse the treacherous terrain
Who fearlessly face unfathomable foes
Who conquer incalculable chaos
And all for what...
For the glory...
Of VICTORY

Recently divorced, I'm a father of one
I have a couple kids but they're both with their mom
Luckily this weekend I got custody of my son
I took that fucker for a ride, cuz he wanted some fun
"Hey daddy, daddy, I wanna go faster!"
I'm sweating my ass off, shut up you little bastard
"I'm telling mom cuz you let me get stabbed"
Just another fun weekend with dad

Who's hopping over obstacles, smashing through glass
Bouncing all around like a Kardashian's ass
Call me Pogo Pete, I'm screaming YOLO, SKEET
Better clear a path if I'm hopping down your street
I'm like a homicidal-kangaroo-jackhammer-man
Old ladies, little babies, doesn't matter where I land
I got a sword in my ass, and this shit hurts
But I always wear a helmet, safety first

My Happy Wheels keep turning
I'll be flying at the speed of light
How I love the smell of rubber burning
Push my limit cuz I'm ready to die

Get out of my way, my agenda matters
Ate 5 Big Macs and I've got a full bladder
Cruising through Wal-Mart, I'm the quickest
Only obstacle I've got is my diabetes
Keep your distance bitch, haven't showered in years
Running on Doritos and a couple of beers
They say my blood pressure's gonna number my days
You think obesity kills? I say obesity SLAYS

That verse was phat, talk about a segue
I ride around on my energy-efficient segway
Meeting at twelve, and I can't be late
I work in HR, and I mediate
Just a day at the office, but it's kind of a drag
My best friends left hand and a nudey mag
I love my corporate lifestyle, I'm kinda nerdy
Won't stop this office freak from riding dirty

My Happy Wheels are a-rolling
Even with this harpoon deep in my ass
Love the carnage, body parts are a-bowling
I'm hanging on, my limbs are barely attached
Throw your child in a blender
Laughing as he's dismembered
What's the point of this mutilation
Crash and tumble through gauntlets
Tell me why do we want this
My masochistic jubilation

I'll be quick to turn you into mince meat
I'm the sickest lawn mower that you ever did meet
Landscaping faces, I make it personal
You stood me up on prom night, and I won't be merciful
(BITCH)
Nothing runs like a Deere, except you
I love the smell of fresh cut grass and death too
I'm armored by fat, don't think that you can kill me
Hope you brought an appetite, I'm making human chili

I smell like feces and I'm really balding
No need for sneakers, I got wheels and rockets
I rock the cosmos like I'm Steven Hawking
Not handicapped, but I don't feel like walking
I'm on welfare, cashing checks
On crack and meth while I'm cracking heads
Haven't been the same since I got back from 'Nam
Just like Rambo (If he was a bum!)

My Happy Wheels are spinning
Arms and legs and heads keep on flying by
Like a monkey through the jungle swinging
Covered up in blood, and I'm in my prime
It's not bad, just a flesh wound
But I'll probably be dead soon
Someone oughtta take a screenshot of me
I'll go out like a rockstar
Body parts will be long gone
Just as long as I get to Victory