Cher: The Unauthorized Rusical

3AM, Malibu

Can't sleep... bed emoji
Kathy Griffin just left that bitch got me all wired up... sticking out tongue and winking emoji
50 years in the biz, can't stop thinking about when it all began... thought bubble emoji

[Kameron Michaels:]
Born in Cali
Mama named me Cherilyn
I was insecure, but there was a fire within
Skipped school early and went to Hollywood
Tried to meet every big wig that I could

When I met Sonny he was twenty seven
I was younger by a few years... okay, eleven
Short little guy but he stole my heart
Soon we were on top of the charts

(Sang songs) We were were riding the hits
(Along) It was all glamour and glitz
(Sang songs) We were two shooting stars
And we had each other babe

Sonny believed in me more than I believed in myself
And bitch, we were just getting started

[Announcer:]
From television city in Hollywood:
It's the Sonny and Cher Show!

[Monét X Change:]
(It's cheese camp TV)
Me and Sonny were the hottest show in town and they loved us!
(It's cheese camp TV)
And every Monday night the fans stuck around
To see my Mackie gowns

My Daddy's people were Armenian
And I would dress up like an Indian
I wore a headdress, be a gypsy queen
A fortune telling witch from New Orleans

(Cultural appropriation!) That's one we never heard
(Cultural appropriation!) That wasn't even a word
(Cultural appropriation!) C'mon, it was another time
We just called it fashion bitch, we evolved with the times

[The Vixen:]
This TV queen, she hit the scene
Divorcing Sonny, and getting good rocker peen
(Good, good, good rocker peen)

An Allman bro, Geffen, when he was young
I even let Gene Simmons slip me the tongue
(Single lady danced all night)
And burned the candle at both ends
(The way of love, is a twisted trip)
But I'd do it again

No regrets dammit!

[Aquaria:]
TV's gone
Moving on
There's just one thing that's left for me to do
(Disco Cher)
Ride the trend, to the end
Throw on disco dancing boogie shoes
(Disco Cher)
Make some hits, flash my tits!

God, I gotta stop wearing all this cheap crap
(Disco Cher)

Ride this wave (Ride this wave)
To my grave (To my grave)
This disco craze will last forever
(Ha Ha Ha)

Gotta do whatever it takes
Even wear roller skates
This era was a bumpy section
Seems like I might need a new direction

I didn't know what to do next
So I called Sonny on the set of 'Fantasy Island'
He told me to believe in myself, go into acting and snap out of it!

Cue the track

[Asia O'Hara:]
Your career hits the skids, and you're, busy with kids
(Snap out of it!)

When Altman, offers you a scene
In 'Come back Jimmy Dean'
(Snap out of it!) Finally!

More roles come if you ask
Like they right 'em all en mass
(Snap out of it!)

Just snap out of it!
You know what I'm gonna do?
Play a witch in Eastwick, I don't need a damn broomstick
(Snap out of it!) Snap, I screwed up all those words

Then get struck by the moon
Slap Nic Cage, make him swoon
Snap out of it bitches!

I won an Oscar dammit!
... okay, now what?

[Eureka O'Hara:]
Got tired of starring in the same old movie
So I stripped with sailors on the MTV
(MTV!)
They wouldn't stop with the tabloid headlines
No-one had ever seen an ass like mine (ass like mine)

But I was only getting started
In new adventures yet uncharted
I got in amazing shape, and sold a fitness tape

(Don't turn your back on Cher)

Don't turn your back baby
Ho!

Til' my bank balance, is longer than my hair
(Don't do it)
Don't turn your back on Cher
(Don't turn your back on Cher)
Got tattoos everywhere
(Got tattoos everywhere)
And thanks to my hustle, I'm a billionaire

Ho!

[Announcer:]
In breaking news: Sonny Bono has passed away unexpectedly

[Eureka:]
With Sonny gone, I didn't have anyone around to believe in me
So I needed to believe in myself, oh!

[Miz Cracker:]
How am I supposed to cope
(She can't cope)
I sure am gonna miss that dope
(Bye bye Sonny)

But since he's not around
I need a brand new sound

Vocoder, something I can believe
The answer is technology
Vocoder, a new trick up my sleeve
Turn into a robot from outer space!

And I know the gays will buy this
And I know Britney will try this
Now my legacy's secure
Time to do another Cher World Tour

I invented reinvention bitches!

[Kameron Michaels:]
When our world is destroyed and the end of time approaches
Two things will be left

Cher and cockroaches!

[All together:]
Cher and roaches, cockroaches and Cher

[The Vixen:]
When all else is gone, we'll still be there

[All together:]
Cher and roaches, cockroaches and Cher

[Eureka O'Hara:]
Get used to us, we ain't going nowhere

[All together:]
Wagon wheel watusi!

[*All talking over one another*]

[Asia O'Hara:]
I'm gonna talk to my agent!