keep still

(albüm: befriending my tears - 2023)

Half of the time, I'm not here
Wasting energy on the worst case scenarios like
Tripping in front of your mother
And choking and blowing my cover
Now the walls are closing in on me

Half of my lines are unclear
I swear I mean it when I say "I love you", I really do
Put one foot in front of the other
And pleading myself to try harder
Don't erase me from your memory

No, I can't keep still
I'm dying to know
How long until
I come undone
Feels like I'm the only one who's
Trying too hard

Half of me's insincere
I'm a disarray of clouded conclusions
Never a hundred percent present when
None of this is making sense
Think I'm out of my body again
On the outside looking in

No, I can't keep still
I'm dying to know
How long until
I come undone
Feels like I'm the only one who's
Trying too hard

Didn't think I'd make it past
22 I'm always last
To decide whether or not
I'm really worth a shot
Look at me past 24
Can't keep up with keeping scores
Struggling to make amends
With all of the things I never said and did

Look at me I'm still alive
Kicking and screaming on the inside
Every second, every borrowed breath
A miracle in itself
A miracle

Half of the time, I'm not here