The Simple Plot Of Kingdom Hearts

(альбом: The Tryforce - 2019)

[Danny Sexbang:]
Ugghhh... Hello, and welcome to what I pray is the final episode of Talking Video Games
[Clapping]
Don't...! Don't clap for their asses...
Today our topic, like always, is games with simple plots

[Egoraptor:]
Hi, I'm Sora from Kingdom Hea

[Danny:]
No! You shut your mouth! I'm starting with our other guests first!
Guests, please tell us your name and the SIMPLE plot of your game

[Brian Wecht:]
Hey, I'm the capsule from Arkanoid, as far as I can tell I'm a tube, and a ball bounces off me
[Clapping]

[Egoraptor]
I'm Ms. Pac-Man! I'm Pac-Man with a bow!
[Clapping]

[Danny:]
Okay Sora, did you see how it's done? Tell me the plot of your game, real simple, just like that

[Sora:]
You got it! Cue the music!

[Danny:]
NO, DON'T CUE THE MUSIC!

[Sora:]
Kairi washes up on the shore
Completely unaware of what the heck is in store
Then Destiny Islands blows up from the war
Of the heartless little evil guys that run on all fours

[Danny:]
I'm already lost, who are these people and places?

[Sora:]
I'll tell you later buddy, I'm already off to the races
I'm now in Traverse Town, with Goofy and Donald Duck

[Danny:]
From the Disney movies?
[Sora:]
Yes!
[Danny:]
What exactly the fuck?

[Sora:]
I'm a keyblade wielder and they need my ability
Sealing keyholes of worlds, restoring all the tranquility

[Danny:]
This is not making sense

[Sora:]
It's a little hard to follow
Everything will come together in the Bastion of Hollow


[Chorus:]
[Danny, (Sora)]
Let me get this straight, it's Mickey Mouse and You (Nope)
With all your Heartless friends defending all that's true (Wrong)
Now it is your destiny to cut up a bunch of keys
Cause this is Final Fantasy! (Not even close)

[Sora:]
So I'm looking for Riku while I'm out on my quest
[Danny:]
Do I know him?
[Sora:]
He's my best friend!
[Danny:]
Hashtag blessed

[Sora:]
Well actually he's evil it was just a facade
Now he's my arch enemy

[Danny:]
Oh my fucking god!

[Sora:]
Now we are traveling to Hollow Bastion we go
Run into Riku, OH NO! possessed by Ansem and so
He's after Princess Kairi
And then I really try to be
A hero so I die to free
Her heart that's deep inside of me


[Chorus:]
[Danny, (Sora)]
Tell me why Ansem even wants Kairi
Why is the princess human if a mouse is king?
Are you some kind of buccaneer?
If you died how are you here?
Please kill me with the nearest spear! (Oh I'll clear it up)

[Sora:]
So I turned into a heartless, then brought back by Kairi's power
We escaped to the end of the world, a place that's really dour
Ansem followed us there 'cause his plan finally starts to flower
As Kingdom Hearts appears making every person quake and cower

[Danny:]
What is Kingdom Hearts?

[Sora:]
It's a door and also a moon
But there's another one, and it's a moon, but not like the first moon
Anyway, Ansem thinks that Kingdom Hearts has tons of bad stuff
But it opens and he melts from all the goodness

[Danny:]
That's tough!
[Sora:]
Then we find out it's a doorway venting evil fast
[Danny:]
But it was filled with light and stuff?
[Sora:]
It's better not to ask
Me and Mickey Mouse sealed up the door from both sides with our keys
And that's the basic premise of my game! No questions please!

[Danny:]
My god, this plot is all that I can take
I want to cry and jerk off into some pancakes
But I must swallow all the hate
I give up this is my fate
As host of Talking Video Games

[Egoraptor:]
The ratings are in... show's cancelled

[Danny:]
Tits! Fuck yes! I mean... no! oh no!